theparticle.com

ALPHA v0.3

Disclaimer
Because of the fun and sarcastic nature of some of these jokes, viewer & reader discretion is advised. Don't read'em and then complain!

Alpha
This is an alpha release of this section. If you find any problems or would like to recommend something, please be kind enough to give us some feedback.


BACK

To All Engineers

Topic: science

To: ALL ENGINEERS

From: STANDARDS COMMITTEE

Subject: PROPOSED REVISED STANDARD FOR PIPE AND PIPE FITTING

(1) All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal concentric to the hole.

(2) All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length.

(3) All pipe is to be of very best quality, perfectly tubular or pipular.

(4) All acid proof pipe is to be made of acid proof material.

(5) O.D. of pipe must exceed the I.D., otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

(6) All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

(7) All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can be more readily put on at the job site.

(8) All pipe is to be cleaned from any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles or any form of manure before putting up, otherwise it will make lumps under the paint.

(9) All pipe over 500 feet long must have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each end so that fitter will know that it is a long pipe.

(10) Pipe over two miles long must also have these words painted in the middle so that fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine if it is a long pipe or not.

(11) All pipe over 6 inches in diameter is to have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it so that fitter will not use it for small pipe.

(12) All pipe closers are to be open on one end.

(13) All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as pipe.

(14) No fittings are to be put on pipe unless specified. If you do, straight pipe becomes crooked pipe.

(15) FITTINGS come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Be sure to specify the direction you are going when ordering.

(16) If flanges are to be blank or blind, the big hole in the middle must be filled with metal.

(17) All flanges must be cast or forged of very best quality iron metal, close grained, free from blow holes, lumps, cavities, pock marks, pin pricks, and warts, otherwise we can't use them.

(18) Gaskets are to be used to fill space between flanges.

(19) Gaskets are to be made of metal, rubber, plastic, paper, or some kind of goop - do not use cow or sheep manure. It cracks when it gets dry.

(20) All bolts must have a head on one end and a nut on the other.

(21) All piping must be installed with valves.

(22) All valves must have an opening on each end with a flapper in the middle that goes up and down or sideways when you turn the wheel or crank so that it will open or close, otherwise the stuff will run out of the ends.

(23) Valves are to be furnished by the kind required as follows:

Ball valves have a ball inside.

Gate valves have a gate inside.

Glove valves have a glove inside.

Check valves have a check inside.

Angle valves have an angle inside.

Plug valves have a plug inside.

Diaphragm valves have a diaphragm inside.

(24) All completed piping lines must go somewhere and connect to something. The fitter is required to verify this before turnover.


ALPHA v0.3