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The Layman'S Guide To Rednecks

Topic: regional

The Layman's Guide to Rednecks

Many persons have heard the word "redneck" before. What exactly is a redneck? How can you tell if you know any? How can you tell if you are one? The following tutorial will answer all these questions and more.

Origins: The term redneck is believed to have originated as a term of endearment for the "good old boy" countryfolk. Work out in the hot sun out on the farm would tend to burn ones exposed skin. Upon removal of the long shirt common to farmers, one's head and neck would appear red, while the rest of the farmer's body would be white.

Identifying the 1990's redneck:

Personal Appearance: A redneck will generally have some sort of facial hair. A mustache, goatee, or beard will be worn. Hair will generally be below collar length.

Clothes: A redneck will wear a uniform of boots... cowboy, or biker boots. A pair of worn blue jeans follows, with a long-sleeved flannel shirt.

Hat: A redneck wears a greasy or dirty baseball hat, that says "Ford" on it, or has some sort of agricultural or automotive logo.

Personality: Rednecks generally only can exist with others of their own. Rednecks have a hostile attitude towards anyone other than those of the redneck persuasion. Generally, rednecks will harass others of the non redneck cultures. The persons most open to attack are persons in higher social or economic status, and all minorities.

The Redneck Fleet: The redneck is a highly mobile individual. Therefore he requires a form of conveyance from place to place. The Redneck BattleCruiser(TM) therefore comes into play.

Redneck BattleCruiser(TM): The primary conveyance of the redneck fleet is the Ford Pickup Truck. Proper BattleCruisers are generally older fords with prominent rust patches. Current intelligence reports indicate at this point in time, no late model Fords or any other model of pickup, of a late date, have entered the Redneck Fleet.

Crew: The Redneck BattleCrew(TM) consists of the following:

Driver: Same as for normal persons. Operates the Cruiser.

Beer Steward: Occupies center position. Is in charge of getting beer out of the cooler or bag for himself and other crew members.

Observer/gunner: Looks out for police. Scouts for targets and will utilize cruiser weapons system when needed.

Armaments: A CombatCruiser(TM) is equipped with one or more of the following weapons: Rifle or shotgun. Primary is stored in a rack on the rear window. Secondary weapons (also to include handguns and knives) are stored under or behind seats.

Beer: No redneck would be a redneck without massive quantities of beer. Generally cheap brands such as Strohs, Pabst and Grain Belt are preferred brands. They will however drink whatever is available in great quantity.

This concludes today's instruction on the redneck. Intelligence gathering will continue, and will be added to later versions of this report.

Version: 1.1 30 March 1995

Redneck BattleCruiser, Redneck BattleCrew, and CombatCruiser are trade- marks of the author and may not be used without use of the (TM) symbol.


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