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Dear Mr. Secretary

Topic: politics

Dear Mr. Secretary:

My friend Bordereaux received a $1,000 check from the government for not raising hogs, and so I am going into the not-raising-hogs business.

What I want to know is, what is the best kind of land not to raise hogs on and what is the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise razorback, but if this is not the best kind not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Poland Chinas.

The hardest part of this business is going to be keeping an individual record on each of the hogs I do not raise.

My friend Bordereaux has been raising hogs for more than 20 years and the most he ever made was $400 in 1918, until this year when he received $1,000 for not raising hogs. Now, if I figure I should get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, I will get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs, etc.

I plan to start off on a relatively small scale, holding myself down to not raising 4,000 hogs for which I will, of course, receive $80,000.

Now these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand you pay farmers for not raising corn. Will you pay me for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn, which I will not feed to the hogs which I am not raising?

I want to get started as soon as possible, as this looks like a good time of year for not raising hogs.

Yours very truly,


ALPHA v0.3