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Dr. Verne'S Northern White Trash Etiquette

Topic: lawyer

DR. VERNE'S NORTHERN WHITE TRASH ETIQUETTE

Under what rock could you find a decent lawyer?

Dear Dr. Verne:

My ol' man is doin' time on a gun charge. He had one of those Public Pretenders on account of the Storm Troopers took all our stuff and I didn't get out myself in time to pawn anything and get him a decent lawyer.

I've been out for awhile now though, and I've been working hard to save up money to get the ol' man out. My question for you is: Is there such a thing as a decent lawyer, and if there is, what rock can I find him under?

Big Cindy, East Side

Dear Big Cindy:

I happen to be one of them guys who's had the need for a good bit a lawyering, so's you could say I got pretty many expertises on this.

Now the first thing you gotta do is avoid them Public Pretenders. Their job is to pretty much show up in court, never read your file, get you mistaken for some guy named Al, then plead your ass guilty to tax evasion even if you happen to be charged with burglary.

Now the good thing is they work fast, which means you can get outta the suit you bummed from your cousin, which is four sizes too small. The bad part is you'll have to do two years at a country club prison for tax evasion, which ain't very manly and gets your relatives pissed cuz you done wrecked the family reputation for committing decent crimes.

But if you's looking for a real lawyer, the best place to find 'em is under the rocks by the river. Lawyers is what us science guys call your amphibious creatures, meaning they's part human and part carp. River lawyers is the cheapest, cuz you can pay 'em in worms or the leftover parts of a ham sandwich.

But that don't mean they's gonna be good ones, which is why I got this scientific test for checking out a lawyer's quality.

Now say you's walking to court and you throw a nickel on the sidewalk. If your lawyer dives for it, that means you got a good one. But if an old lady grabs the nickel first, and your lawyer punches her in the throat to wrestle it away, that means you got a great one.

Now if your lawyer don't do nothing 'cept keep walking, that means he's probably gonna get disbarred soon, so's you better head back down the river and get yourself a new one.


ALPHA v0.3