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Here'S How To Be A Pest-By-Modem

Topic: internet

Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:

*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").

*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!

*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.

*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."

*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.

*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.

*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

1) Make sure you bring up your views on abortion, capital punishment, Christianity, and the political party you least like, regularly. When you do so, do so with vigor, enthusiasm, and scorching wit. Who knows, you may eventually beat those who embrace the opposite (wrong) side of the argument into submission and they will convert to your views, thereby making the world a better place.

2) Refer to your opponents in arguments (or debates that hold the promise of becoming arguments) as facists as often as possible. Suggest that their views parallel the Nazi's at least once in any good flame war.

3) Point out the shortcomings of the opposite gender. Use tasteless jokes. Base all characterizations of the opposite gender on the very worst traits of your ex or current spouse, or your ex or current love interest. If you haven't personally been mistreated while remaining spotlessly innocent use other people's histories.

4) When you've managed to get a good heated exchange going try to score points by using a vocabulary that will drive your opponent to the dictionary. Mock any attempts on their part to do the same. If possible humiliate them with ironic references to misspellings, ill conceived sentence construction, or, best, inappropriate word usage. Winning in this area makes you sexier.

5) Never apologize. If you make an error in thinking blame it on the muddy post to which you are responding. If you act like an idiot, a boor, a bore, or a whiner, do the same.

6) When inspired make sure you word your attacks and counterattacks so that you leave no opening for your adversary to capitulate to your view except in disgrace. Try to make certain that every avenue of response is a path of shame.

7) If you start to slip in an argument attack the person. It's most helpful to know something personal about them but the medium has restrictions in this area. I recommend keeping a catalog of stupid, awkward, or embarrassing posts that people make so you can throw them in their face later as proof of their deficiencies as a human.

8) If someone does the same to you respond that in their reliance on ad hominem attacks the argument has deteriorated to a level that no longer warrants your participation. This can be a winning blow if played properly. Be subtle here, and clever; try to convey the sense of your opponent as dim-witted, ethically degenerate, desperate, and outmanuevered by your overwhelming intellectual superiority. The real joy here is that you can neatly do away with any respect due your opponent, slander his character, lacerate his pride, and, if done properly and with elan, simultaneously represent yourself as a man or woman whose ethics and moral sensitivity make it impossible for you to do what you just did. This one is a real gem and when executed gracefully an act of art.

9) Remember that you are always right. And I do mean always. No matter what forces are marshalled against you, no matter how reasonable, humble, or generous, don't give an inch, don't be swayed. You are always right. It's the other side that caused this ruckus and keeps it going.

10) Always insist on the last word. The only honorable finish is unconditional capitulation by your adversaries or their defeated silence.

I trust that these guidelines will be of aid. I find myself too often relegated to the sideline carrying as I do the sandwich board for a business on my digital body. So onward comrades! Don't flag! Don't apologize! Draw out your rapier wit, your unshielded anger, your superiority, your sarcasm, your electric selves! Think of your great beauty as you weave back and forth, the words your blades. Eventually I'll get a second internet account and, being then anonymous and free of reflecting negatively on the business, will join you. How my blood cries out!


ALPHA v0.3