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How To Read The Wanted Ads

Topic: internet

HOW TO READ THE WANTED ADS

With IT salaries rising and jobs begging for applicants, many people are looking at career opportunities and considering employment changes. Yet the plethora of on- line ad copy promoting positions is bewildering in detail and content. To help the potential job-seeker sort out the information and pick up on the nuances of recruiter come-ons, here is a handy dictionary for reading between the lines:

A TEAM PLAYER: other people take credit for all your work.

SELF-DIRECTED: management is always unavailable in meetings.

EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION SKILLS: you will get blamed for everything, so you need to be good at making excuses.

ABLE TO HANDLE MULTIPLE TASKS: you will have to do the work of the three people who quit to accept better offers.

SELF-STARTER: everyone else is going to criticize you.

GOOD WRITING SKILLS: there will be lots of meaningless paperwork to contend with.

OBJECT ORIENTED PROGRAMMER: you might be using a C++ compiler.

MCSD/MCSE REQUIRED: taking multiple choice tests is somehow part of the contract deliverable.

TWENTY YEARS JAVA EXPERIENCE WANTED: yes, there are ads that ask for things like this--from regimented bureaucracies out of touch with reality. You wouldn't like the pigeonhole even if you had the experience.

LEADING EDGE PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT: the company founders are about to sell the vaporware concept, cash out, and leave you to do the actual implementation on your own.

GREAT WORK ENVIRONMENT: your cubicle is large enough to fit a guest chair without knocking knees.

LEARNING ENVIRONMENT: no one knows what they are doing.

FAMILY-ORIENTED COMPANY: they are in violation of the child labor laws.

CONTRACT-TO-HIRE: they don't know a good programmer when they see one.

PROFESSIONAL APPEARANCE: no one will be able to understand or appreciate the quality of work you do, so you will be judged on appearance.

CASUAL ATMOSPHERE: upper management won't know you exist, so no one cares how you dress.

INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGING ENVIRONMENT: you will work with many intellectually challenged people.

FAST-PACED ENVIRONMENT: the schedules are ridiculously compressed. Make sure you have a list of restaurants that are open late and deliver.

FLEXIBLE WORK HOURS: come to work anytime before 8 a.m. and leave anytime after 6 p.m. if your task is on schedule.

GREAT BENEFITS: the same HMO you have now, plus all legal holidays are observed.

WILLING TO RELOCATE: the company has to recruit out-of- town because their reputation is so bad that no one in his right mind would work there.

COMPETITIVE SALARY: if you only worked 40 hours a week; counting mandatory overtime, all bets are off.

SALARY REVIEW IN SIX MONTHS: assuming you are dumb enough not to be reviewing it right now.

REFERENCES REQUIRED: a thief thinks all men steal. On the other hand, I once interviewed for a job vacated by someone arrested for murdering his girlfriend. Wonder what his references said?

STOCK OPTIONS: that and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee.

GREAT 401K PLAN: you are not considered important enough for stock options.

GREAT STOCK PURCHASE PLAN: you are not considered important enough for a 401K plan.

GREAT EMPLOYEE RECOGNITION PLAN: you _are_ considered to be as important (and intelligent) as a circus animal.

OPPORTUNITY FOR CAREER ADVANCEMENT: the last person who had the job got a much better position elsewhere after only six months.

HIGH-FLYING COMPANY: even the programmers have to worry about the quarterly results.

FAST-GROWING COMPANY: expect to be called as a witness in the fraud trial.

ON-THE-JOB-TRAINING: no one has pilfered the user's manuals from the lab yet.

BRIGHT, MOTIVATED PEOPLE WANTED: bright, motivated people have turned the job down flat, so the position is wide open for anyone who wants it.

SALARY HISTORY REQUIRED: they can't afford to pay you what you're worth, so don't bother.

TEAM LEAD POSITION: management knows the project is doomed, so now they need a scapegoat.

FORMAL METHODOLOGY EXPERIENCE REQUIRED: you will be selling clothes to an emperor.

BIG FIVE CONSULTING EXPERIENCE DESIRED: your work will be billed at unimaginable rates, and the client will expect you to perform as though you got a significant fraction of it.

PROJECT MANAGEMENT EXPERIENCE NECESSARY: everything is out of control and management is clueless as to what the project is even supposed to do.

SYSTEM ARCHITECT NEEDED: the original design doesn't work, and even the consultants say it can't be done.

DOCUMENTATION EXPERIENCE HELPFUL: everyone who knew anything quit in disgust and nothing is known about the project except the deadline (which is past).

OPPORTUNITY TO MOVE INTO MANAGEMENT: this project is so important to some executive's career that if you can pull it off, you will never have to do productive work again.


ALPHA v0.3