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New In The Marketplace For This Holiday Season

Topic: holidays

New in the Marketplace for this Holiday Season

Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger).

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: booklets on sexual responsibility and accessories such as contraceptives, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump (all optional), underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.


ALPHA v0.3