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Subject The Un Approves Airstrikes On Tonya Harding

Topic: g-rated

Subject: The UN Approves Airstrikes on Tonya Harding

From the front page of today's Washington Post:

(AP) The UN Approves Airstrikes on Tonya Harding

In a surprise announcement, UN president Bhuttro-Buttro Galis declared his approval of airstrikes against the troubled American skater, Tonya Harding.

"In light of other United Nations humanitarian efforts, we feel it is only humane to alleviate the plight of this tormented woman," Mr. Galis was quoted as saying.

UN resolution 1432.b states, "Any military action in the form of a massive conventional bombing attack against the personage of Tonya Harding will be sanctioned and applauded by the body of the United Nations."

Tonya could not be reached for a direct comment on the resolution, though she made a reference to the resolution while beating a Walmart greeter. (She reportedly was bludgeoning the 76 year old man for failing to offer her a shopping cart.) "Air Force, schmear force -- what do I care, I drive one of those bitchin' old Firebirds. You know the one with the big Turkey emblems on the hood. That bird decal makes you go faster, you know!"

President Clinton could not be reached for comment either, though his new Defense Secretary, William Perry was contacted.

Perry was quoted, "Well, I could think of worse uses of our military might." In a reference to the last administrations failure to complete their task against Saddamn Hussien by toppling the dictator, Mr. Perry added. "If we do make a strike, we have to go all out. Finish the job. That Giloohy guy real has to go. He such a geeky looking twit."

ALPHA v0.3