ALPHA v0.3

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Police Reports

Topic: g-rated

Police Reports

Police work, like any other profession, has its own jargon and set of terms, and sometimes there's a slight problem in translating the words from what they appear to be saying to what they really mean. In police recruit training, the novice is taught literally hundreds of these words and catch phrases which are used in all reports. By using this guide, you'll be able to decipher the TRUE meaning of some of the most commonly used terms and phrases, should you ever have to appear in court.

While on routine patrol... (As I was driving to the coffee shop.)

He was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner... (His bumper sticker read "SLOW DOWN - DON'T FEED THE PIGS!")

The accident scene, and the primary concern for the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control... (It was raining.)

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant. (It was too hot to sit in the car.)

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner... (The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.)

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history... (He puked in my cruiser one night...)

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past... (I've got two theft cases hanging over his head.)

While being arrested, this subject resisted and was injured in the act... (He ripped my shirt, broke my new mirror sunglasses, and then attacked my nightstick)

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations... (I wrote him one ticket for each swear-word)

The motorist appear somewhat agitated... (I'd told him as he was my 25th ticket that morning, I'd won a vacuum cleaner)

Upon announcing my title and purpose, a voice invited me to "Come in", so this writer opened the door... (The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard a bomb go off - so I kicked the door down)

At the scene, the members of the press were offered every courtesy within departmental policies... (I sent them all to a non-existent address which I'd code-named "The Command Post")

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding... (She was a knockout blonde in a micro-mini and she agreed to go for a coffee after my shift was over.)

The sergeant appeared at the scene and took command. (I sent him to the same address as the reporters.)

Further interview of the witnesses was impossible due to conditions... (Tonight's my bowling night)

The motorist's eyes were glassy, his speech was slurred and smelled strongly of alcohol... (He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.)

Using only sufficient force to restrain the subject... (My favorite song is "Dropkick me Jesus Through to Goal Posts of Life)

The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment... (I told him he didn't have the guts to call the judge the same name he called me.)

ALPHA v0.3