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Football From A Canadian Viewpoint

Topic: g-rated

Football from a Canadian Viewpoint

It is the super bowl today. This is a United States event (I would have said American, however I am in North America and would not like to be included in this tradition). The event is a game where large brainless men smash into each other in order to advance a pig's skin, shaped in an oblong fashion, to the opponent's end of a 100 yard field. Many people will wager on this event and still many more will watch it with non-financial interests. Many beer and car making corporations will vie for an advertising spot during the game by paying the largest amounts of money ever recorded for a television spot in history. They often try to get the brainless players to endorse their products first hand. This seems very illogical as these men are not known for their acting abilities and they are usually retired players of super bowls past. They also firmly believe that Miller light is either less filling or it tastes great, but never both at once. Sometimes musicians and comedians help the brainless men because they are more inclined to acting.

Well back to the actual game. This super bowl activity does not have anything to do with tupperware parties. It is the final game of a season's worth of FOOTBALL. The word football is used for this game to torque off the British who refer to their game of soccer as football. This makes more sense, as soccer is played mostly with the foot and the superbowl is not. It is also worthy to note that the vast majority of the planet prefers the game of soccer to that of U.S. football. They hold a world championship every year in soccer that the U.S. is never a contender in. The U.S. has in turn retaliated by coining the term "World Series" to the American game of baseball, (which the central Americans are much better at playing then native U.S. players).

Well once again getting off the topic of the game. Men named after various body parts (quarter back, tight end) line up facing each other and when certain grunts have been uttered they run into each other. The team with the pig then tries to pass it through the line of men. They have three chances to move the ball 10 yards. If they do not succeed they get angry and kick the ball at the opponent's side of the field. The opponents then try to return the ball until they get mad and kick it back. SUCCESS comes when a goal is scored.

If by chance one team should get the pig's skin into the opposing teams end of the field a strange and bizarre ritual occurs. First the pig is thrown as hard as possible into the ground where it doesn't stay. Instead it bounces madly across the field and is forgotten. Sometimes this step is replaced by the team member dancing with the pig's skin held high in the air and running towards other team members. Step two is the same in both cases. The men all rush together and hug each other and pat each other vigorously on the bottom. The coach of the team will hug his co-coaches and smile with admiration. Step three consists of a replay of the whole event for television viewers and those advertisers who want to know who should endorse their products for next year. The purpose of winning the game is that these goal scorers from the winning team only will be asked to advertise for the corporations. The losers will not be invited.

When the game is over the winning team will pour cheap champagne all over each other in the dressing room where women reporters will not be admitted, but the men will undress in front of the television cameras anyway. The cameras will show the losing team crying in their locker room. The most endorsable player will be chosen just in case the advertisers could not figure out which player this should be.

ALPHA v0.3