ALPHA v0.3

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Rules Of Thumb For The Clueless

Topic: g-rated

Rules of Thumb for the Clueless

From someone who learned them the hard way (Well, maybe)


Always assume that your barbers and hairdressers are from another galaxy where "Just give me a trim" is actually Moronian for "What the hell, just chop it all off." If you have a picture of yourself with a halfway decent haircut, bring it in and point at it mutely. They'll understand. Just make sure there aren't any pets in the picture with you, or they might get confused; God only knows what you'll wind up looking like then.

Dealing with Roommates:

Undesirable roommates can be disposed of by surreptitiously stapling or gluing bills of large denominations to the backs of their jackets. This works best if you live in one of the seedier parts of town. It costs much less than a hit man, and it's perfectly legal. I think.

Selecting a Place to Live:

Big basements are key. People you barely know will ask you to store all sorts of stuff for them. LOTS of stuff. Just tell them, "OK," take their junk, and sell it the next day; they'll forget about it and never ask for it again anyhow. If they do, simply inform them that their sofas have been "liberated" by the Berserkers Advocating Rights for Furniture. They'll understand, and they won't bother you any longer. Especially if you mention that you are a member of the aforementioned organization. Make sure that you foam at the mouth when you say this, too. Be rabid, *with conviction*.

Bathroom Etiquette/Survivial:

If you live in an apartment or house and are responsible for cleaning the bathroom yourself (translation: the bathroom is cleaned bicentenially), use orange shampoo. This way, you can rationalize that the orange slimy stuff growing on your shower curtains is actually merely a buildup of shampoo residue. Important note: if you have a roommate in the biological sciences, under NO circumstances allow him to grow a sample of it in a Petri dish. And if he does, for heaven's sake, don't snort it, especially if there are sharp objects lying around that you could hurt yourself with later. (I still have the scars.)

Yard Maintenance:

When birds start perching on the lawn, it's time to mow it.


Make sure to eat leftovers before the predator/prey relationship between you and your food reverses itself through a process of accelerated evolution. If you're not sure just how far this process has gone so far, keep a heavy, blunt object handy while cleaning out the fridge.

Even after leftovers have gotten to this stage, they can still be put to good use: if you dump them in the trash (after clubbing them a couple of times, of course) just before going on a two- or three- day trip, the resulting stench will ensure that one of your roommates will take out the garbage for you while you're gone.

Bedtime Attire:

If you're a sleepwalker, don't go to bed in the buff.

"Doing Push-ups":

In the making of the beast with two backs, avoid the resonant frequency of your living complex, or you'll hear no end of it from your neighbors. If you do hit that frequency, though, and you know you've been caught, stay with it for a little while. If you only have the place rocking for a few seconds, then you'll *really* hear no end of it.

ALPHA v0.3