ALPHA v0.3

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Subject Ant Genocide

Topic: g-rated

Subject: ANT Genocide

Ants in your house? Try this:


Application: Sprinkle Aardvarks liberally around ant nests and known ant hang-outs (seedy ant-bars, and the like).

Pros: 100% Natural, little supervision required.

Cons: Once having consumed their fill of ants aardvarks tend to lose motivation. Should they gain control of the TV remote they will waste entire afternoons idly lounging on your furniture, flicking between game shows and forgetting to close the fridge door when they've raided it for yet another six-pack.


Application: Obtain a large pair of boots (hobnailed preferably), obtain a friend and arm him with the boots. Apply boots vigorously to the ants.

Pros: Cheap, 100% natural, good course of exercise for boot operator.

Cons: Requires continual application, this necessitates the instilling of a "Holy War Against Ants" attitude in your boot wielding friend. Show him videos of "Them" and "The Hellstrom Chronicles".

Method C: NAPALM

Application: Low level saturation bombing runs by F-111's or similar fighter-bomber military aircraft.

Pros: Immense emotional satisfaction, guaranteed ant genocide, visually spectacular.

Cons: Low level saturation bombing runs tend to lower local property values. Misses can instil ill-feeling in your neighbors should you incinerate schools or houses.

ALPHA v0.3