ALPHA v0.3

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Press Release -- For Immediate Publication

Topic: g-rated


Smith-Barney announced today that it will create a business unit to provide mortuary services. Citing truth in the adage "only two things in life are certain: death and taxes", their new crematorium business is expected to be an excellent partnership with their existing investment services business.

The late John Houseman will continue as their celebrity spokesperson. While he was unavailable for comment, the Smith-Barney confirmed that he is "not only our spokesperson, he's also our client."

Speaking through actress Shirley McLean, Houseman proclaimed the new business motto: "We bury people the old fashioned way: we URN them."

ALPHA v0.3