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Topic: ethnic

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING

This book contains not only racist and sexist jokes but just plain puke jokes. If you consider yourself to be one who is easily offended then do not proceed. DO NOT COMPLAIN, you have been warned!

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING

===== This is how it all started ======

Faithful readers of aus.jokes will no doubt be familiar with many of the high quality jokes that have been going over the net. I am now in the position to offer you all a high quality publication

"THE ROBERT NATHANUAL PRENDERGAST JOKE BOOK"

In it I detail the secrets of my success with:

Women Sheep Trees More women More sheep Ethnic Afairs Ergonomics Love and marriage Enlargement Men Computers Self gratification Necrophilia Ivoengvat

and lots and lots more!!!

For a free copy send me a message at robp@dingo

note : this is a high quality publication. Probably the best you'll ever get. Dont miss this offer. Send now

Said Pope John Paul "Veni Vedi Veci"

The Wall Street Journal wrote:

"Not since Victor Kiams' "Making it" has such a high quality publication been made availiable to the masses. Read this book!"

With every copy given away I'll also include a free patten for my new paisley tie collection (the summer collection) and a free blue safari suit (with matching shoes')

BY The way disregard the message about my using LIQUID PAPER on monitors

This may very well be my last message so be quick.

===== And the result is ........

Did you hear about the Irish abortionist who went out of bussiness ?

His ferret died.

There was this bloke who went to a brothel in japan. He was told that he can have any girl he wanted except the one in the end room. He thinks that that's O.k. so he goes and gets a root. The next day he comes back and the same thing happens. He can have any girl except the one in the end room. So he thinks that that's O.k. too. He proceeds to go and get a root. The next day the same thing happens. He's allowed to have any girl except the one in the end room. He thinks that something funny is going on, so when nobody is watching he sneaks into the end room. It was very dark in the end room and he stumbled about until he fell onto a bed. He thinks that while he's here he may as well try out the girl that is apparently in the the bed. He does. He has a terriffic time and thinks that he must visit this girl again tomorrow. He gets up and leaves the room. On his way out of the brothel he sees the 'madam' and says to her " Gee , why don't you let me have that girl in the end room again , she was so good that I could feel the rice in her belly" . The madame replies, " Oh no , you didn't go to the girl in the end room did you?" , and he replies ," Sure did , she was great", and the madam replies "Shit! that wasn't rice in in her belly you felt, it was magots. She's been dead for two weeks , thats why we didn't want anyone to go into the end room."

This prositute goes to a chinese doctor with a rather sensitive venereal complaint. The chinese doctor says " O.k. speadie leggie , foots in stirups. " and procedes to examine her. He finds that he cunt is absolutely loaded with purilent green pus, and so he immeadiately goes down on her and starts licking up all the sticky greeny runny pus. All of a sudden she lets fly with this really greasy rotten eggie fart. In fact she almost shit herself. The chinese doctor comes up and yells "Dirty blitch , you wanna make me sick or something"

There were these two poofters who got on a bus. One of them farts - poofffffoot. It was a nice silent airy sort of fart. The other poo jabber also farts - pooooffffffffooorrrt. Again, another silent airy type of fart. Then this rather large B.L.F member gets on the bus. After he sits down he lets fly with a real bum tearer - Thwaaarrrtt. One dung funneler whispers in the ear of the other " Virgin"

This young couple who were just married, set off on their honeymoon at a well known hotel resort. After about two days on the nest, the manager comes up and knocks on the door. " Um , I noticed that you haven't ordered any food for the last couple of days , do you wan't any food sent up?" The couple reply, " No Thanks , we live on the fruits of love" Well any how the manager repeats this episode for the next four days , and finally on the fifth day he once again knocks on door. The couple say to him " No we don't want any food, we're living on the fruits of love " , the manager interjects .. " No , No , I know that your living on the fruits of love, its just that we want you to stop throwing the peels out the window "

There were four poofters sitting around in a bath tub. (A large one). A wad of sprog floats to the surface, and one of the vegemite drillers says " O.K. who farted? "

Whats the diference between a nurse and a bowling ball?

you can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball

What's the difference between an elephant and a nurse?

You can't make love to an Elephant with a water mellon

What's the difference between a nurse and a swimming pool?

If you hold your breath you can come out of swimming pool alive

An oldy but an oldy

Whats Bobby Sands phone number

808080

What's black and white and read all over?

A news paper

What do you get if you wipe your arse with newspaper?

Adds

Why do you always root sheep on the edge of cliffs?

Because they push back harder

What's the differece between a nurse and a Rolls Royce?

Not everyones been in a Rolls Royce.

Who sings and sits on my bed?

Madoona

or

Donna Summer

Who sits in the oven and sings?

Elton Scone

What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand ?

You can't gargle sand.

You can't go out with a girl - you get herpies You can't go out with a boy - you get aids You can't go out with yourself - you get rsi.

Why do jews wear skull caps?

To cover up the hole where the piss and the sprog comes out

There was this bloke that went into a sex shop and purchased a blowup sex doll for thirty dollars. He eagerly rushed home to try out his new found toy, but to his disapointment when he pumped up the doll it promptly went flat again. The next day, first thing in the morning, he heads off to the sex shop to get his money back (or at least a replacement doll). The sex shop proprietor was not very ammused by this guy demanding either a new doll or his money back. (The old doll might have been soiled). The owner askes " Well what exactly is wrong with the doll I sold you?" . The irritated customer relies" Well she went down on me" . the owner throws his hands up in horror and exclaims " Shit if I knew that, I would have charged you fifty dollars"

This bloke buys a plastic blowup doll and decides to make some money by renting it out to a few of his deviate mates. One of his mates comes out of the room with a very forlorn look on his face, "Shit , all I did was bite her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window"

Can't use the pill, it's bad for her skin Can't use condoms, gotta throw 'em in the bin Can't screw girls, 'cause they'll get fat If it wasn't for masturbation a kid would starve

The sexual life of a camel is greater than anyone thinks At the height of the mating season he tried to bugger the sphinx But the sphinx's eternal orifice is blocked by the sands of the nile Which accounts for the hump on the camels back and the sphinx's inscrutable smile

There he sits, broken hearted Paid is penny, but only farted

A man sits, thinks, shits, and stinks

There was this young couple who had been married for about two years and still hadn't had a baby. The the mother of the girl asked her one day why she had so far failed to fall pregnant." How come you haven't had a baby yet ? , Your father only had to look at me and I become pregnant." The girl replies " But mum , I just can't bring myself to swallow the stuff ".

How do you rebore an ageing prostitute ?

Bung a leg of lamb up her and pull the bone out.

Why do you put masking tape around a guinea pig ?

So they don't split when you fuck them.

What do you call a guinea pig with masking tape on ?

A tart.

These three prostitutes were sitting around talking about how they feel after a long hard nights work. The first one says " I know I've had a good night when I come home and count that I've got at least five one hundred dollar notes." The second one says "I know I've had a good night when I come home and count that I've got at least ten one hundred dollar notes. The third one says " Shit , when I get home, I take my panties off, throw them against the wall , and if they stick, I know I had a good night"

A woman falls out her window and slides into a garbage can upside down. A passing coon puts one exploratory finger up her cunt and another into her arse-hole and says musingly, 'white man crazy, this still good for six, maybe 7 more years.

Actress to her chinese houseboy: 'I guess I drank too much last night, and passed out. I must have been pretty tight.' 'Yes, missy, pletty tight first time. Next 2 times pletty sloppy'.

The farmer's wife finds a cow hand standing in a wheel barrow in the barn, fucking one of the cows. 'Er, ah, is there anything I can do for you she sheepishly asks. 'sure is ' says the hand. 'Wait till I shoot my wad, then you can wheel me over to the next cow'.

Overheard in the OXFORD HOTEL melbourne: 'what became of your girlfriend?'. 'She got herpes and bled to death'. 'you don't bleed to death when you catch herpes'. 'You do when you give it to me' comes the reply.

A little negro boy accidentally rolls in some flower while sleeping in the barn. When he wakes up he says, 'god I turned white in my sleep.' He runs and tells his mamma who promptly dispatches him with a 'go away boy, I'm makin some bread.' His father waves him off as he is watching a football game. His sister will not listen to him as she is preparing to go out. The little boy goes back out to the barn, kicks the door savagely, and says, 'Here I on'y been white 10 minutes and I already hate dem fucken niggers'.

The family of of astronomy enthusiasts are rushing up to their rooftop telescope,the mother and father first, and the children stringing along behind. 'Oh dad,' says the daughter, 'I can see Uranus.' 'Thats nothing', says the son, 'I can see Mars'.

A true story........

A jew of Tewkesbury fell into a privy on a saturday and refused to be taken out for reverence of his sabbath day. Not to be outdone in piety, the Earl of Gloucester, being told of this, refused to allow him to be taken out on sunday so that he may revere the christian sabbath as well. On monday the jew was found dead........

Three doctors, walking down a road, see a man walking along bent forward with legs astraddle. Paralysis one infers. Nonsense, locomotor ataxia, says another. The last one infers 'pelvic fracture.' To settle the argument they pull him over and ask him his problem. The guy answers 'I went to fart, and I guess I went too far. You're all wrong'.

What with herpes, aids, etc. going around a very worried young man goes into a doctors surgery for treatment of a suspicious red ring around his penis. The doctor merely hands him an alcohol soaked piece of cotton and says..... 'Wipe off the lipstick, you fool'.

Two negroes are bragging. One says he has invented electricity, gas refrigeration and the pants-zipper. The other says, 'you ever heard of Syphillis?' 'Don't tell me you invented that' comes the reply. 'Why hack no...... I'm the southern distributor'.

Variant 1: What's the bravest thing in the world. ............a crippled crab crossing a bloody cunt on a broken cunt hair

VARIANT 2: What's the bravest thing in the world...... ............a crippled crab crossing a mouldy jockstrap on a broken pube.

What's the cleanest place in the world...... .....The strip between a woman's cunt and her arsehole. When she piddles she washes it, and when she poops she dries it........

What did the vampire teacher say to one of his female students ?

I'll see you next period.

This bloke goes into an optometerist's office with this box that's six feet long by six inches by six inches and says to the secretary "I need to see the optometerist". The secretary says " I'm sorry but the optometerist is out at the moment, would you like to wait." The bloke says " No I just gotta see her now ", and with that he he opens the six feet long by six inches by six inches box and shows the contents to the secretary. The box contains this five and a half feet by five inches by five inches turd. The secretary looks at the turd and says " You don't need and optometerist, you need a doctor" and the bloke replies "No I need an optometerist, every time I do one of these my eyes water"

'What a life' said one flea to another. 'The other day I fell asleep on a cunt and I woke up on a moustache'.

Two fleas have spent the night in a woman's body, one in front, the other in the rear. In the morning they compare notes. the rear flea complains that "the south wind blew all night long, and almost blew me out of bed. How about you". The front flea said, "Oh, fine at first, but then some bald headed son of a bitch stuck his head in the window and puked all over me.

Overheard in the latrine at the oxford hotel: "Say what's the first symptom of syphilis?" "I don't know, why?" "My cock just came off in my hands."

Also overheard the same night: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?" "I don't know, I never tried lighting it."

This appeared on general conduct orders to the U.S. navy fleet here for the recent navy visit: 'All personell are told to treat the local women the way a dog treats an unknown object: "If you can't eat it or fuck it - piss on it".

What's the difference between fucking a woman who is "riding the rag" and fucking a woman in the arse? - one way you muck up her fuck-hole and the other way you fuck up her muck-hole.

How do you define a French enema.......You put one thumb in your mouth and the other thumb up your arse, and just keep alternating them till you either shit or puke.

A patient in a lunatic asylum will not eat anything but a bowl of shit at every meal. One day he refuses his acustomed bowl. The head doctor rushes down to his cell, thinking the man is cured, but the patient explains he is on a hunger strike. "I don't like the way I'm treated here. can you imagine serving a man shit to eat....with cunt hair on it........yuuuuck...."

A man was showing his collection of petrified cunts to a fellow collector. Very proud, he took them out of the fridge and laid them out on the table. "Well, what do you think of them?" The other collector wetted his finger- tip and took a lick of each one of them. "It's prettyhard to know, what with them just coming out of the fridge like that. But I can tell you this much: somebody slipped over two arse-holes on you - one nigger's and one chinaman's".

The whore dropped her miscarriage into a trash can, to eliminate all the red tape. That night a drunk staggered up and puked in the can, backed off, looked in, and said "I'll never suck another snatch as long as I live".

A man is getting a blow-job in a whorehouse notices the the girl serving him spit his semen into into a jug under his bed. "What's the matter, I thought you girls like swallowing it." "We do" she admits. The fact is, another girl and I have a contest on. The one with the most at the end of the week gets to drink it all".

Two big irishmen and a little jew bet on who can satisfy the insatiable town-widow. The 2 irishmen work at her by turns for several hours, and come out a little green around the gills, while the widow keeps calling 'more, more.....'. The little jew goes in. There is a long mysterious silence. He finally comes swaggering out, the widow in the background "thank-you...thank-you.......'. The irishmen are amazed: "What did you do ?". "Oh, it was easy. I stuck my head in, wiggled my ears, and puked".

Two arabs in the in the desert are about to die of hunger, when they stumble on some camel shit. "Hey lets eat exclaims one". The other recoils in horror saying "What do you think I am". Well the first arab breaks up the camel shit and pisses on it to moisten it. He gets half down, and then spews up. The other arab rushes forward with cupped hands. " Ahh, just what I wanted....a hot meal".

How do you know when you've been raped by an elephant......When you've been pregnant 36 months.....

A sailor in Singapore complains that the whore's cunt is dry and hurting him. "Wait I'll fix it" she offers. "Vaseline ??" he asks. "NO". "KY jelly" he tries again. "NO....I'll just scrape off the scabs and spread the scum around".

A beautiful but obviously bleached blonde blonde is sitting watching a cricket game. In the seats below 2 men are looking up her dress. One asks, "How come that blonde has such dark pussy hair". "Pussy hair nothing" comes the retort. "That's flies".

Did you here about the fellow who went down on a girl he found asleep on a beach at St Kilda, and got a mouth full of worms. She'd been dead for 3 days......

Three men and a woman were cast away on a desert island. After 3 days the woman felt so guilty she committed suicide. After 3 more days the men felt so guilty they buried her. After 3 more days they felt so guilty they dug her up again.

A whore dies during intercourse. The man runs out screaming. "My god, she's dead! What am I going to do. "keep cool , I'll call the corroner" says the madam. "The coroner? What for? I can't fuck him!"

A man goes into a brothel with only 50 cents in his pocket. He is lead to a magnificent room lined with satin, with a gorgeous blonde lying on the bed. He pounces on her and starts making love to her. She starts foaming at the mouth, and he runs out screaming. He finds the madam and shouts "The girl in 221 is foaming at the mouth". "Calm yourself", she says. She gets on the phone and dials "Hello, city morgue? Send over another girl - this one is full up".

A man and his wife are having sex. He begs her to spread her thighs wider. She obliged. "Wider , wider" he asks again. She obliges. This goes on another 3 more times. "Finally, exasperated, she says "Hell what are you trying to do...get your balls in." He replies, "No, I'm trying to get them out!!!"

There was these two local yokels working out in the fields. This bit of a tart was driving along near where they working when her car broke down. Out she gets, and asks them if they could possibly drive her into town and get a mechanic to fix her car. They only had a horse and cart and suggested that it would take them all night to get to the town and that she should stay the night and they will take her to town tomorrow. So at nightfall they all hit the sack. One local yokel in one room , the other in another room and her in another room. Well, during the night, she starts felling a bit horny and gets this idea that she should sneak into one of the local yokels rooms and slip on top. So she sneaks into one room and wispers to the local yokel " How would you like a bit?". He says yes, and she starts to climb in to his bed . Just before she slips on top she says " Just a moment, I don't want to get pregnant, you'll have to wear one of these and produces a condom. About three hours later , the local yokel is exhausted and so she sneaks back to her room. A few hours later she starts felling horny again, so she sneaks into the other local yokel's room and does the same as she did to this local yokel. In the morning , they all get out of bed and head into the town. The mechanic drove them back and fixed her car and she drove off. A few days later one local yokel says to the other,"You Know that woman that slept here the other night." "Yep " "Well she gave me a root that night" "Really? She gave me a root too" "Do you think that those funny rubber things will stop her from getting pregnant" "Nar" "Well do ya think that we could take the flamming things off? I'm bustin' for a piss".

Q: What does a 400 pound parrot say ?

A: Polly wants a cracker, NOW !!!!!!!!

Q: Why did Batman climb up the tree?

A: To help Robin make his nest.

Q: Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes ?

A: because white tennis shoes get dirty to easy

Q: Did you hear about the intelligent P.E. student ?

A: No, neither have I.

Q: Why do girls have legs ?

A1: To stop them leaving snail tracks. A2: So they can get between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Q: What's the biggest hole in 60 Minutes ?

A: Yana Vent.

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a Greek grandmother ?

A: Ten pounds and a mustache.

Q: What force does it take to stop an aircraft propeller ?

A: Half a Newton.

Q: Why are aborigines called boongs ?

A: Because that is the sound they make when they bounce of the bull bar.

Q: Why do you need to put rubber bands aound hampsters?

A: To stop them exploding when you fuck them

Q: How do you kill an elephant ?

A: With an elephant gun

Q: How do you kill a purple elephant ?

A: With a purple elephant gun

Q: How do you kill a pink elephant ?

A: Tie a knot in its truck, wait till it turns purple and then shoot it with the purple elephant gun.

Q: Why has women got two holes?

A: so you can carry them like a six pack.

Q: what has a nurse and lightning got in common ?

A: They both fuck anything that comes near them.

Q: What do you call a man who sticks his tools into a girls mouth?

A: A Dentist

Q: What is unskilled labour?

A: A pregnant prostitute

Q: What did the prostitute say to the leper?

A: Thanks for the tip.

Q: What do nurses and turtles have in common?

A: Once they are on they back they are both fucked.

Q: Why do flies have wings?

A: To beat the Italians to the rubbish bins

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Fuck her.

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a prostitute?

A: A fucking know it all

Q: Why did the Arabs shoot down the concorde?

A: Because with a nose like that, it had to be Jewish

Q: Hear about the over sexed whale?

A: She bit the head off a submarine and swallowed all the seamen inside

Beam me scottie..................

what goes black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white thump?

A nun falling down the stairs

What do you do in the case of fallout?

....Put it back and take shorter strokes.

Why don't Italians eat fleas?

....It's too hard to get their legs apart.

Why did God make urine yellow and come white?

....So the Irish could tell if thay are coming or going.

How do you get an Aboriginal girl pregnant?

....Come on the road and let the flies do the rest.

What's the worst thing about fucking a 5 year old girl?

....When she tells you you're not the best she's had.

What's the brown stuff between an elephants toes?

....Slow natives.

What do you get if you cross a black with a gorilla?

....A dumb gorilla.

What do you call 5000 Jews at the bottom of an ocean?

....A good start.

Why did the abbo trade his wife for an outhouse?

....Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.

What did Adam say to Eve?

...."Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets."

What goes into thirteen twice?

....Roman Polanski.

What do you have when your up to your ankles in blacks?

....Afro turf.

Why don't they have any black snow skiers?

....Because their lips explode at 1,000 feet.

Where is an elephant's sex organ?

....In his foot. If he steps on you you're fucked.

How many blacks does it take to change a light bulb?

....Five. One to change the light, the other four to hold the sound equipment.

Why are ice hockey players and aboriginal girls alike?

....They both change their pads after 3 periods.

Why did Jimmy Carter's wife always go on top?

....All he could do was fuck up.

Why is Paul Keating's wife threaten divorce?

...He's making it hard for everyone but her.

What's a real mate?

....Someone who will go into town and get two blow jobs, then come back and give you one.

How do you save a drowning Jew?

....Through him an anchor.

Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?

....He's all right now.

What do you call an irishman with half a brain?

....Gifted.

Why do women have two holes close together?

....In case you miss.

Who designed women?

....The Board of Works. No one else would put a recreation area between two sewer outlets.

What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland?

....A tourist.

How can you tell if a women is wearing underwear?

....Look for dandruff on her shoes.

What's the definition of mass confusion?

....Father's day in Tasmania.

What's another definition of mass confusion?

....Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What's the ultimate rejection?

....When you're wanking and your hand falls asleep.

How do you kill an aboriginal?

....Smash the toilet seat over his head when he's taking a drink of water.

What happens to a Jew when he walks into a wall with an erection?

....He breaks his nose.

How many aboriginals does it take to pave a driveway?

....It depends how thin you slice them.

Why don't blacks have cheque books?

....Because it's hard to sign your name in spray paint.

A black and a Pole had a race down a tunnel. Who won?

....The Pole. The black stopped to write "mother fucker" on the wall.

What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Gypsy?

....A chain of empty stores.

Why do Italians wear hats?

....So they know which end to wipe.

Did you hear about the irishman who cleaned his ears out?

....His head caved in.

Why did God give the blacks rythm?

....He fucked their hair.

What do vegetarian dingos eat?

....Cabbage patch dolls.

What is the worst thing about being an egg?

....It takes you ten minutes to get hard, three minutes to get soft, you come in a carton with 11 other blokes, and the only person you can get to sit on your face is your mother.

The funniest joke in the world appears to have been discovered by the Greek comedy writer, Philemon, who laughed himself to death around 263 BC apparently at one of his jokes. Fortunately, perhaps, the joke itself has not been passed down to posterity, but it may have something to do with a donkey and a fig. Chrysippus, a Philemon, died of laughter brought on by the sight of a donkey eating figs.

This chinese fellow goes into a butcher shop and goes " Ah tree pissholes do please sir " The butcher notices the chinese gentlemans accent problem and replys " You mean "r" don't you sir " to which the chinese man responds " O.K. tree arseholes do please sir "

Well how about these ...........

Q: why do we have weather cocks on barns ?

A: Because the wind would blow right through a fanny.

Q: What have a computer and an aboriginee got in common ?

A: They both need to have their information punched in.

Q: What's the difference between a computer and an aboriginee?

A: Computer only needs the information punched in once.

Q: What is the difference between a circus and a hi class brothel ?

A: One is full of cunning stunts .

Q: Why don't prostitutes vote?

A: Because they don't give a damn who gets in.

Q: Why do they have fruit at Italian weddings ?

A: To keep the flies off the brides.

Q: Why do they have a bowl of shit on the table at Yiddish weddings?

A: To keep the flies of the brides face.

Q: What is green before it is switched on and red after ?

A: A frog in a blender.

'De man wit de nails is cumin ta fix it in da mornin'

This down and out fellow is really desparate for a root but he only has $2.83 on him. So he goes into a brothel and explains to the bouncer that he's only go two dollars and eighty three cents but could he possibly fix him up with something. The bouncer tells him to piss off and starts to make moves to throw him out. The little fellow starts to plead with him and explains that he is on the social security and he can't afford any more and that he really really really needs a root. The bouncer, showing some uncommon pity, thinks for a while and then says that if he wants it he can have an old pig (sheep?) that they keep in the back room. The little fellow shreiks in horror and runs out. After a while he gets to thinking that maybe rooting a pig (sheep?) might not really be that bad after all, and anyhow , he was really desparate for a root. So he goes back to the brothel and says that he will have the pig (sheep?). When h'e finished he is all smiles and he says to the bouncer on his way out that he'll come back next week after he gets his social security cheque and go for something a little bit more human. So the next week he rolls into the brothel with a bran-spanking-new ten dollar note and asks the bouncer what he can get for ten dollars. The bouncer says that he can either have the pig(sheep?) again and get some change or he can spend the full ten dollars and go into the viewing room. This viewing room sounded somewhat interesting so he hands over the ten dollars and is shown into the viewing room by the bouncer. In the viewing room there are all these guys wearing plastic mac overcoats with their hands in their pockets (probably playing pocket billiards), and thay are all starring through this one way glass at this enormous black man with a three foot cock trying to get it into this little Japanese girl's arsehole. The little fellow thinks that this is a bit of all right and says so to the guy standing beside him. The guy beside him says ....

" Yes, but you should have been here the other week - there was this bloke in there screwing a pig(sheep?) "

How to be succesfull with women.

Simply walk up to the woman of your dreams and say ...

"How would you like to become a receptical for my semen."

If she is going to be any good to you she will immediatly jump at the offer (and you).

This man kisses his wife and heads of to work early one morning. At about mid morning, he decides to ring up his wife and say hello. He is astounded to hear a mans voice answer th phone. The conversation went something like this ..........

"Who the bloody hell are you ?"

"Why I'm the plumber"

"What the hell are you doing there ?"

"I got this call to come out and fix up a blocked drain"

"Why didn't my wife answer the phone ?"

"I don't know, when I got here the door was open and I couldn't find anybody around, so I thought I'd do the job while I was here and send the bill out later"

"Listen mate, can you please go up stairs and see if you can find my wife, I'd like to talk to her"

"O.K."

There is the sound of the phone being put down and of footsteps walking away. A little while latter there is the sound of footsteps approaching , and of the phone being picked up.......

"Hello, are you there. Um, your wife can't come to the phone just now"

"Why the bloody hell not ?"

"Um, you won't like it if I tell you"

"Go ahead, tell me, tell me"

"Well , Um, she can't come to the phone because she's in bed screwing with some guy"

"Shit, the slut, I always suspected her, the bitch. Listen mate, your only a plumber didn't you say ?"

"That's right"

"And plumbers don't really make all that much money do they?"

"Aw I don't really think they do"

"Well how would you like to make five thousand dollars for two minutes work"

"Would I ever, what do you want me to do ?"

"All you have to do is look in the cupboard under the stairs, there you'll find a double barrel shot gun and some cartridges. Just load the gun and go up stairs and shoot those two bastards up there."

"I don't know about this ..."

"I'll pay you in cash"

"Cash you say, O.K. I'll do it"

There is the sound of the phone being put down and of footsteps walking away. A rustling sound and then the clicking sound of the gun being loaded. The stairs creaked a little as the plumber walked up them to perform his grizzly and grimy task. The man on the other end of the phone hears the sound of a gunshot "BLANG" and a few moments later he hears another shot "BLANG". A little while latter there is the sound of footsteps approaching , and of the phone being picked up.......

"Well mate I done it"

"Did you kill them both, you didn't just wound them did you"

"Nope, I killed them, I got the woman right in the head first and then I got the man as he was climbing out the window. It wasn't a clean shot, but he fell into the swiming pool and when he didn't come up I knew he was dead"

"Swimming pool???"

"That's right"

"Um is that 425 8623 .... "

Q: What is transparent and lies in the gutter ?

A: An aborigine with the shit kicked out of him.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No idea.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A: still no idea.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?

A: still no fucking idea.

Q: What does a walrus and tupperware have in common?

A: Both like a tight seal.

Q: why do jews have turbo-powered motorbikes?

A: so they can beat the flies to the tip.

Pick the odd word out ....

wife , meat , dog , blowjob.

Blowjob. You can beat your wife, you can beat your dog, you can beat your meat , but nothing beats a blowjob.

How do you keep an arsehole in suspense ?

I'll tell you later.

What's the definition of analingus ?

Tongue in cheek.

How can you tell if your walking into a gay church ?

Only half the congregation is kneeling.

Why do lots of gay men have mustaches ?

To hide the stretch marks.

How can you tell if your roommate's gay ?

When his cock tastes like shit.

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

Getting fingered by Captain Hook. Or, getting a blowjob from a Werewolf.

Is it better to be born black or gay?

...Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.

How do you know when your mother is having a period?

...When your brothers cock tastes of blood.

What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line?

...A magician has cunning feats and stunts.

What's the only thing used sanitary napkins are good for?

...Tea bags for vampires.

How can you tell if a Aboriginal woman is having her period?

...She's only wearing one sock.

What's is the latest disease in Poland?

...Toxic Sock Syndrome!

Three guys were sitting around in a bar discussing whose wife was the most frigid. Harry was definitely sure he had the worst of it.

"Listen you guys," he said, "my wife comes to bed with an ice cube in each hand, and in the morning they haven;t begun to melt."

"That's nothing," said Phil. "My wife likes to have a glass of water on the bedside table, but by the time she's carried it in from the bathroom to the bedroom, it's frozen solid."

"Aw, hell," said Herb, "my wife is so frigid that when she spreads her legs, the central heating kicks on."

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?

...Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What does cunalingus and dealing with the Mafia have in common?

...One slip of the toungue and you're in deep shit.

Why is it so groovy to be a test-tube baby?

...Because you've got a womb with a view.

"If God hadn't meant us to eat pussy, He wouldn't have made it look like a taco."

Why do farts smell?

...So deaf people can appreciate them too.

How do you pick the blind guy in a nudist colony?

...It's not hard.

Did you here about the man who couldn't spell?

...He spent the night in a wharehouse.

One night after their proprietor was asleep, the parts of the body was arguing about which had the toughest job.

"I've really got it rough," bemoaned the feet. "He puts me in these smelly sneakers, makes me jog until I've got blisters...it's brutal!"

"You got nothing to complain about," maintained the stomach. "Last night I got nothing but bourbon, pizza, and aspirin. It's a miracle I kept it together."

"Oh quit bitching, you two," moaned the penis. "I'm telling you, every night he sticks me in a dark tunnel and makes me do push-ups until I throw up."

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

...A dicktater.

When Paddy O'Brian died, Father Flannigan was there to console the bereaved widow. "You know, Molly, the whole community is here to help you through this time of sorrow," he said, "and of course you know I'll do anything I can for you."

Parting her veil and drying her tear-stained face, the widow whispered a single request in Father Flannigan's ear. The priest blushed scarlet and refused outright, but the widow continued her pleas and finally he gave in.

He left, saying, "Give me twenty-four hours."

The next day he showed up at the house with something in a brown paper bag. The widow popped the contents into a pot on the stove, and it was boiling away when a neighbour dropped by. "I say, Molly," said the neighbour opening the lid, "isn't that Paddie's penis?"

"Indeed it is," said Molly. "All his life I had to eat it his way, and now I'm eating it mine."

A naive young priest is moved to a parish in a bad neighbourhood of Sydney and is quite bewildered by the legion of hookers who are constantly approaching him to whisper, "Ten bucks for a blow job, buddy."

Finally he can stand being in ignorance no longer, and approaches one of the nuns. "Excuse my presumption, Sister," says the young priest, "but could you please tell me what a blow job is?"

"Ten bucks, just like anywhere else," she replied.

Who taught Grace Kelly to drive?

...Ted Kennedy.

If a stork delivers white babies and a crow delivers black babies, what kind of a bird delivers no babies?

...A swallow.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they screw?

...They have cotton balls.

Why did the British ships come back from the falklands full of sheep?

...War brides.

Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?

...He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

Why do crabs have circles under their eyes?

...From sleeping in snatches.

There was a wealthy old gentleman who desired the services of a prostitute, so he arranged with a massage parlor to send over their $1000, top-of-the-line girl. She got all doled up, rode over to his fancy apartment building, and was escorted up to his penthouse, where the door was opened by the elderly millionaire himself. "And what can I do for you tonight, sir?" she aksed in her throatiest voice, dropping her fur coat to reveal a slinky lame dress.

"Hot tub," he said.

So they went into his luxuriously appointed bathroom where she settled him into the tub. "And now, sir?" she asked.

"Waves," he said.

So she perched herself on the edge of the tub and proceeded to kick vigorously to make waves. "And next, sir?"

"Thunder."

Obligingly banging her hand against the side of the tub, she felt it necessary to remind him that as he was paying $1000 for her special services, and surely there was some sort of special service she could perform for him.

"Yes," he said, "lightning."

Kicking her feet in the water, banging on the side of the tub with one, and flicking the light switch on and off with the other, she felt obliged to give it one more shot. "Sir, you know I am a prostitute...Uh, sexual matters are my speciality...Isn't there something along those lines you'd be interested in?"

"In this weather?" he said, looking up at her. "Are you crazy?"

What's grey and comes in quarts?

...An elephant.

Q. What is the most difficult part of a sex change operation ?

A. Stitching in the anchovies.

Q. How do you know when there is an elephant in your bed ?

A. His pyjarmas have an 'E' stitched on the knee.

What's green and occasionally found on trees?

Elephant snot.

What is big and red and eats rocks?

The big red rock eater.

What is big and red and eats sand?

A big red rock eater on a diet.

What do you do if a bird shits on your head ?

Don't ask her out again.

Or ...

DO ask her out!

Q: What is yellow, smells of bananas and is found on trees ?

A: Ape spew

Q. Whats' the diference between "smarties" and humans

A. Smarties come in six Different colours.

Q. What do you do when an elephant comes through your window?

A. Swim

Q. How many software analysts does it take to change a light bulb.

A. None, its a tradesmans problem. Software analysts are far to important to do menial tasks.

One for all of my tree joke fans:

Q. Whats brown and found at the bottom of trees'

A. leaves.

This poofter goes to a doctor complaining about how he has this terrible wind problem -- It stinks something awful, but there is absolutely no sound. The doctor asks him a few questions, and gets around to asking him what his boyfriend does for a living. The poofter replies that his boyfriend is an airline pilot (no not pile-et) to which the doctor replies...

" Oh that's the problem, Your boyfriend's broken the sound barrier "

What's the definition of Italian foreplay??

Maria, I'm home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q What do you get when you cross a orange with a tulip?

A The cows come home !

This bloke walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman notices that he has these terrible scratch marks all down his front , so he inquires what caused them. The bloke replies "I root sheep". The barman was the kind of bloke that rooted sheep also, and he replied " I root sheep too, but I never get scratches all over me front, how did it happen to you?" The bloke replies "Well I turn them over on their backs so I can get the tongue in when I'm kissing them"

Another oldie!!!

A lady with a duck under her arm entered a train and took a seat. The guy sitting opposite said "That's the ugliest pig I ever seen!" The lady replied "It's a duck not a pig"

"Shut up," said the drunk, "I was talking to the duck."

Well it's better than some!!!!

The primary school teacher asked her class if anyone had something for "show and tell".

"I have a mousetrap to show teacher", Said little Johnny. Johnny marched up to the front of class and proceeded to explain to the class how his mousetrap worked.

"On this board is a piece of cheese and a razor blade mounted on edge".

"The mouse comes along, puts his head over the razor blade to reach the cheese, and cuts his head off".

"Very good Johnny", said the teacher,

"But don't you know that you need some back and forth movement of the razor blade or the object to make it cut".

After thinking for a while, Johnny conceeded that he hadn't thought of that. The next day the school teacher asked her class if anyone had something for show and tell.

"I have a mousetrap to show", Said little Johnny.

Johnny marched up to the front of class and proceeded to explain to the class how his mousetrap worked.

"On this board is a razor blade mounted on edge".

"The mouse comes along, puts his head over the razor blade, and moves his head back and forth looking for the cheese"

Two homosexuals discussing how to give up smoking:

One says, "I gave up smoking by sucking lifesavers." The other, "That's fine for you, you live near the beach!"

Q: What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A: The same middle name.

Q: What do a clitorous and a Swatch watch have in common? A: Every cunt has one.

This guy is driving down the street when he sees a nun hitchhiking. He picks her up and decides to test her good- naturedness. He goes in to this long speech about how he had never had sex before and how depressed he was and how he was going to kill himself and...

Well, being an always helpful person the nun says, "Of course I'll help you, but you'll have to do it in my 'back door' (poop chute?) so that I can retain my virginity."

The guy pulls off onto a country road and starts pumping her up the ass to his heart's content. When he finished, they start driving again and he starts to feel guilty about taking advantage of this nun's good will.

He turns to the nun and says, "I have a confession to make. I lied about never having sex before. I took advantage of you. I'm sorry."

The nun turns to him and says, "I have a confession to make too. I lied about being a nun. My name is John and I'm going to a costume party."

During the war, there was a camp where captured Russian soldiers were kept inside Germany. The kommandant was particularly strict, and called all prisoners onto the parade ground for a roll call every morning before breakfast.

One morning, during roll call, someone sneezed. The kommandant stopped calling names and said to the prisoners, "All right, who sneezed". Note that he actually said it in German, but there are people out there who don't. Sorry, I'll get on with the joke now.

Nobody answered, because they were all scared of what he might do. So the kommandant said, "Right, first row step forward!" They did. The kommandant than produced a machine gun and shot everyone in the first row.

"Now," he said, "I ask you again: who sneezed?"

Again there was no answer, so the kommandant said "Second row step forward!". They did, and he shot everyone in the second row.

"Now," he said, "I ask you for the final time: who sneezed?"

A voice from the back row (of those who were left), said "It was me".

"Gesundheit," said the kommandant.

A small boy meets his friend on the street. The boy says to his friend:"My father was right that I shouldnt go to that hard core bestial sex club in the bad part of town, cos I would see things that I'm not allowed to see." The friend asks :"Well, well, what did you see??". The boy replies:"My father with a hamster!"

What's red and hangs at the back of a train? Ans: A miscarriage.

What's 16 inches long, white and pink and makes a woman scream in the morning? Ans: Cotdeath.

An American Sargent Major is talking with a British RSM a New Zealand RSM and an Australian RSM. The yank says "our soldiers are the bravest in the world. They'll do anything you tell em no mater how dangerous."

The others all say "what bullshit" and the Yank says "Right I'll prove it. HEY PFC Jones, cm'ere." PFC Jones comes doubletiming over there. "O.K Jones go climb up that paratroop tower and dive off without a parachute." Jones trots over, dives off and falls, SPLAT!. The yank sargent says "Now that's guts."

The British RSM says "Humph. My men are far tougher than that. Private Williams get here! I want you to go find a flame thrower, set fire to that building then run through it and out the other side." Williams runs away, gets a flamer, burns the building and runs in. He runs out the other side his body on fire and collapses dead, almost burnt to a crisp. The Brits says "Now that's guts."

The New Zealand RSM says "Ha! My men are braver. Private Madigan come here!" The tiny little private runs over. "Go over to those guys over there and call them a bunch of black cunts." The private runs over to this group of huge 7ft Moiris and yells up at them "You're all black CUNTS!" The moiris tear him to a million pieces. The Kiwi says "Now that's guts."

The Australian RSM just shakes him head "No way. Our diggers are the bravest in the whole world. I'll show ya. SMITTY, HERE!" Private Smith comes strolling over. The RSM says "Right, see that stretch of water out there? See all the sharks swimming around? I want you to swim over to the other side but first I want you to get your bayonet and slash open a bloody gash in your leg." Private Smith says "Get fucked sir."

The Aussie RSM says "Now THAT'S guts."

The following are all jokes regarding to lawyers. A law student who was there got angrier and angrier as she heard them and eventually walked off in a huff!

The blind snake and the porcupine.

A blind snake and a blind porcupine each left opposite sides of the road to cross it, they met up in the middle and decided to try and find out what the other was. The snake had first try. He wrapped himself around the porcupine and discovered all of the spikes, so he then unwrapped himself and said "You're a porcupine!".

Then the porcupine had a go. He wrapped himself around the snake(?) and said "You're sleek, hairless and you've got no balls, you must be a lawyer!"

Why are lawyers better than rats for lab experiments? 1: You can emotionally attached to rats. 2: There are more lawyers than rats. 3: There are some things even a rat won't do.

A woman who has no relatives has $90,000 dollars and decides that she wants to take it with her. So she gives $30,000 each to people she can trust to put it in her coffin when she's dead, her doctor, lawyer and priest. When she dies and the three go to the funeral they gather round the funeral to have a chat. They ask the priest what he did with the $30,000. He said, "Well, to be totally honest, I kept $10,000 for the church and only put $20,000 in the coffin." Then they asked the doctor.

He said " Well I only put $10,000 in and kept $20,000 for a new hospital wing." The lawyer, shocked by this talk of keeping some money for their own purposes, said "I put a cheque in for the whole amount!!"

Think about it!

Q: why are men like tiles? A: lay them once properly and you can walk over them for the rest of your life

Q: DEFINE JEWISH FOREPLAY A: TWO HOURS OF BEGGING

Q: HOW DO YOU SAY "FUCK YOU " IN JEWISH? A: Trust me.

There are two whales swimming along in the ocean when they see a japanese whaling boat. One whale says "Those are the bastards that killed my girlfriend the other day. I'm gonna sink em!"

The other whale says "Are you mad?! They'll just harpoon you and kill you."

The first whale says "No, I have an idea. We take a big breath then swim under them then blast out with our blow holes and knock the boat over."

The other whale agrees and they take a big breath and swim under the boat. They blast out with their blow holes and the ship starts to tilt over and then capsizes. The sailors are floundering in the water. The whales surface and the one with the dead girlfriend goes "Great, that'll teach the bastards. Nows lets really get em and eat them all."

The other says "No way. I dont mind the blow job but I'm not gonna swallow the seamen."

Ok, here is an old wedding telegram list. Save them: they could be useful later! Originally From: johnd@physiol.su.oz.au (John Dodson))

Best man/Wedding jokes/telegrams

********************************

Posted to aus.jokes a few times... (some original, most collected by johnd@physiol.su.oz)

* The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal - - a little bit of breast - a little bit of leg ..... and a lot of stuffing !!

* Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

* Forecast for Wedding... Expected development of Warm front, with extremee turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun(son) is expected later on.

* Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.

* Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gentley and She'll last for many years.

* If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.

* Hope you honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.

* Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End.

* Take heed from those who know Tie you nightie to your toes Close your eyes - hold your nose Then see how it goes...

* Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might givee his bone to the woman next door.

* Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.

* We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow thee black leather boots and bull whip ?

* Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

* Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will bee an Off-Spring next Spring.

* Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo off Bride and Groom Mounted.

* Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink.

* Don't buy you bed from Grace Brothers (Myers) they stand behind everthing they sell.

* Remember Pearl Harbour... Have fun before the nips come.

* A honeymoon should be like a table... Four bare legs and no drawers.

"I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.""

* Go west young man, get up the Darling as far as you can.

* And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...

* "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

* Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day. Love Bill and Mary Furkin and the whole furkin family.

* The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

* Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.

* They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.

* A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.

* Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 STOP Happy voyage, bottoms up.

* Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for you plug

* Advice to submariners - if torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.

* May the Blue bird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.

* Confucious say wife for life is better than wife for strife.

* Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.

* She offered her honour, He honoured he offer, and he was on her and off her all night.

* Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.

* Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.

* Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

* From the football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.

* After a moment of quite repose It's tum to tum and toes to toes After a moment of sheer delight It's back to back for the rest of the night.

* Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!

The Dishes Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,

"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

I was in a shopping mall the other day and I saw this guy who was the spitting image of Hinrich Himmler, reichfuhrer of the SS. I couldn't believe this and tapped him on the shoulder and said "You know you look just like Himmler."

He said "I AM Hinrich Himmler! I've been off in Argentina the last 40 years and now I'm back and I'm gonna kill another 6 million jews and 3 famous actors."

"Wow, really?" I said "Who are the actors?"

He beamed in triumph "See? Der Fuhrer was right, no one gives a damn about them jews."

Q: Why is your woman like a condom? A: If its not on your cock its in your wallet.

There was this irish priest and an English priest. They exercised daily. the Irish priest would ride his bicycle and the English priest would walk. They passed each other every day and would greet each other.

Well, one day the Irish priest is walking and the English priest says, "Where is your bike". He replies,"It was stolen." The English priest says; "That happened to me one time and what I did was: on Sunday I did a sermon on the ten commandments and when I got to Thou shalt not Steal, I really emphasized it. I raised my voice and my hands shouting how this should not be done. The next day I had my belongings back." "Good idea," says the Irish priest,"I think I will do that."

A couple of weeks later the two priests pass each other and the Irish priest is on his bike again. The English priest asks if he used his idea. The Irish priest says;"Yes, I started on the ten commandments and like you said when I would get up to thou shalt not steal I was really going to emphasize it." The English priest says,"Yeah and..." The Irish priest says," Well once I got to thou shalt not commit adultry, I remembered where I left it."

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-= BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN BECAUSE =- YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL NIGHT LONG. BEER STAINS WASH OUT. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE A BEER. YOUR BEER DOESN'T MIND WAITING IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY SPORT. WHEN YOUR BEER IS FLAT YOU TOSS IT. BEER IS NEVER LATE. HANGOVERS GO AWAY. BEER IS NEVER JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR YOU CAN PICK UP A BEER ANYTIME. AFTER YOU FINISH A BEER THE BOTTLE IS STILL WORTH A DIME. YOUR BEER WON'T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER. IF YOU POUR IT RIGHT YOU WILL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY. BEER GOES DOWN EASILY. YOU CAN SHARE YOUR BEER WITH FRIENDS. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST TO POP YOUR BEER. BEER IS ALWAYS WET. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC. BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.

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ONE WOMAN'S ODE TO THE CUCUMBER The average cucumber is over 6" long. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. A cucumber never suffers performance anxiety. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. You can fondle a cucumber in the supermarket ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home. Cucumbers can get away any weekend. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning. A cucumber won't ask, "Am I the first?" Cucumbers wont tell other cucumbers if you are a virgin. With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once. No matter how old you are, you can always get another cucumber. Cucumbers can stay up all night and you don't have to sleep on the wet patch. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month. Cucumbers aren't in a high risk group ... yet! You always know where a cucumber has been. Cucumbers never have mid-life crisis. A cucumber will never leave you ... for another woman ... another man ... another cucumber. In cucumber land, you meet a better class of person.

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Sometime in the 14th century Sometime in the 14th century, there was this trading ship sailing across Mediterranean. The captain, for some reason, loved LOOONG trading routes. No women were abroad, so all the sailors lived in a terrible need.

So, they finally took an empty barrel, drilled a hole in it, and satisfied their needs into it. There was also a MALE CAT on board the ship, who saw what the sailors were doing, and learned to satisfy his own needs into the barrel, too.

Finally, the barrel got full, and the sailors plugged the hole and dumped the thing overboard. A few days later it was washed ashore, and a couple of NUNS found it, and took it to their monastery.

- "What on earth is this stuff", they wondered after opening the barrel. It was filled with white mucus, slowly turning brown. Then, one of the nuns said:

- "It must be wax. Let's make candles out of it!". So, the mucus was turned into candles, and every nun got her own.

A couple of months, all the nuns became pregnant (and you can guess the causes leading to this). When the babies were born, they all looked good and healthy, but they had strange, long, curved fingernails!

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Q: What do you call a Christian fundamentalist in a brown uniform? A: A Nazi.

-= THE END =-


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