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ALPHA v0.3

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Because of the fun and sarcastic nature of some of these jokes, viewer & reader discretion is advised. Don't read'em and then complain!

Alpha
This is an alpha release of this section. If you find any problems or would like to recommend something, please be kind enough to give us some feedback.


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The Return Policy -----------------

Topic: corporate

THE RETURN POLICY -----------------

Dear Sir:

In accordance with company policy, we are pleased to announce that you received merchandise with the same high quality standards afforded all our customers and we feel that you are extremely chicken-shit to return this stuff, particularly since we did not authorize the return.

You know damned well that we have a comprehensive and equitable Returned Goods Policy and you will play hell receiving credit unless you strictly adhere to this policy. We ship whatever the hell comes off the production line and whether or not it meets specifications is beside the point. We are reasonably confident our packages contain the proper materials a good share of the time, which is exactly what you ordered. By God, no one is perfect. I'd like to see your production area sometime. I'll bet you have a shit-pot full of problems too.

Incidentally, you have really pissed-off our Scheduling and Production people with your arbitrary statements regarding late delivery. After all, your last order was only three months over due which is a helluva lot better than most of our customers get. What the hell do you expect?

On future orders, we suggest that you favor us with a higher dollar volume and we will bust our ass. With this type of volume, we can guarantee a maximum late order condition of only two months. How's that for a thirty day improvement? As a valued customer it is certainly your privilege to request that we check future orders more closely for requested shipping dates but your prickish attitude will, we are confident, result in our shipping so damned late you will be in such a bind that you will gladly accept any old shit we want to get rid of.

By the way, don't give us any crap about order cancellations; we're already in production. We could, however, see our way clear to stop production if you will pay 90% cancellation charges. Otherwise, tough shit.

In summary, you work with us and we will work with you. BUT don't pull that irate customer shit on us; we've been down that path before.

With warm personal regards,

Customer Service Manager

PS. You screwed up again when you insisted our part doesn't resemble your specifications drawings. BULLSHIT!!! Your drawing isn't even close to our part. We know there was a 1 1/2" difference between part and drawing, which we consider minor and totally insignificant. Why don't you get on your Engineer's ass for a change?


ALPHA v0.3