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To All Employees From Personnel Subj Revised Retirement Policy

Topic: corporate

TO: All Employees FROM: Personnel SUBJ: Revised Retirement Policy DATE: 27 June, 1987

As a result of the reduction in money budgeted for divisional purposes, we are going to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under the plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who are being RAPED or SCREWED may also apply for a trial service. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Progress policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If employee fills above requirements, he will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service). HERPES is considered a bonus plan, as the employee can no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

NOTE: Early retirement personnel may get Assistance of Immediate Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications, one should request this assistance only once.

Sign up for additional training:

It is now and always has been the policy of the company to ensure employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given our employees more SHIT than other companies in this area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. He will promptly place you on top of the shit list. Our management is specially trained to assure that you will get all the SHIT that you can stand.

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping to train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List for Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

It has been suggested that the IMG form an adjunct Human Engineering and Development Staff (S.H.I.T. H.E.A.D.S.) to guarantee universal implementation of this S.H.I.T. program. Any Volunteers?

If you have any questions address them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

Director of Intensity Programming, Special High Intensity Training (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.)


ALPHA v0.3