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Standard Procedures Instructions On Death Of Employees.

Topic: corporate

STANDARD PROCEDURES: INSTRUCTIONS ON DEATH OF EMPLOYEES.

It has recently been brought to the attention of management that many employees have been dying while on the job and neglecting to fall over. This practice must stop at once as it becomes impossible to distinguish between death and natural movement of the staff.

On and after Jan 1, 2000, any worker found sitting up after he or she has died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without investigation, under Regulation #29, Section 8.

Where it can be proved that the worker is being held up by a desk, chairs, or any support which is the property of the company, a nine day period of grace will be granted.

The following procedure will be strictly adhered to:

If, after several hours, it is noticed that a worker has not moved or changed position, the supervisor will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature of workers, and the close resemblance between death and their natural working condition, the investigation will be made quietly so as to prevent waking the worker if he or she is asleep. If some doubt exists as to the true condition, extending the paycheck is the final test. If the worker does not reach for said check, it may be reasonably assumed that death has occurred.

Note: In some cases the instinct to reach for a check is so strongly developed however, that a spasmodic clutching reflex action may occur even after death. Don't let this fool you!

In all cases, a sworn statement signed by the dead worker must be filed on a special form provided for this purpose. Fifteen copies will be sent to the company files and promptly lost.


ALPHA v0.3