ALPHA v0.3

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The Following Computer Viruses Have Been Identified But Cannot

Topic: computer

The following computer viruses have been identified, but cannot be detected by any of the current virus scan programs. BEWARE! Watch for these symptoms...

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

AIRLINE VIRUS You arrive an hour late only to find your data is in Singapore.

AL GORE UNIX VIRUS Whenever you inquire about one of your environment variables, it shows you the current setting, but then tacks on an alarmist message concerning the future of the variable.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident with message "I'll be back."

AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

AT&T NEW VIRUS Every three minutes it complains that it's sick of circles.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS This virus mutates from region to region. We're not sure what it does.

BILLY GRAHAM VIRUS When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.

BIRTHDAY VIRUS Keeps advancing your clock by another year.

BOBBIT VIRUS Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

BUSH VIRUS Before you buy a new computer, it claims that your old computer works on voodoo programming. After you buy your new computer, it maintains the course of your old computer. For to do otherwise wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS Your PC makes frequent, stupid mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS Makes your Pentium machine perform like a 8mhz 286.

CLINTON VIRUS Fills you with the compulsion to cut wasteful government spending at the same time that it compels you to hop into an airplane for a $200.00 haircut at taxpayer expense.

CONGRESS VIRUS Overdraws your disk space.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS 2 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS Prevents your system from spawning any child process without first joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2 Their is sumthing rong wit you're kumputer, butt ewe jut kant figyour out watt!

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS Forces your computer to play "PGA Tour" from 10 am to 4 pm, 6 days a week.

DAVID DUKE VIRUS Makes your screen go completely white.

ELVIS VIRUS Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

FREUDIAN VIRUS Your computer becomes obsessed with having cybersex with its own motherboard.

GALLUP VIRUS Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (Plus or minus 3.5 percent margin of error.)

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs... No new files!" on the screen. It then proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, and blames it on the Congressional Virus.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

GRIDLOCK VIRUS Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done.

H ROSS PEROT VIRUS Runs for awhile, leaves the system, then re-appears, but with less effect.

H ROSS PEROT VIRUS 2 Same as the Jerry Brown Virus, only nicer fonts are used, and it appears to have had a lot more money put into its development.

H ROSS PEROT VIRUS 3 Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

JERRY BROWN VIRUS Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS Your files disappear and can never be found again.

JOHNNY COCHRANE VIRUS Constantly gloats on how fast it us when compared to the Marcia Clark Virus.

JOKE VIRUS Poses as a harmless list of funny computer virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS Enables irreparably damaged files to delete themselves.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

LAPD VIRUS It claims if feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense."

LEFT-WING-DRIVEL VIRUS Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

MARCIA CLARK VIRUS Asks for more time every time you give a command.

MCI VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

MCI VIRUS Encourages you to send it to your friends and family.

MCI NEW VIRUS Every three minutes it asks another true/false question.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people mad just thinking about it.

NIKE VIRUS Just does it!

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 250MB.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS Causes your printer to shred everything.

PBS VIRUS Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack . . . Once if by LAN, Twice if by C:.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.

PAUL TSONGAS VIRUS Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS VIRUS Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

PONZI VIRUS It logs onto your bank's computer and transfers $1 into the accounts of the owners of the last 10 computers it was on. It then attaches itself to the next 10 items of mail you send.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

REAGAN VIRUS Puts your computer to sleep for eight years. When your computer wakes up, you're three trillion more dollars in debt.

RICHARD NIXON VIRUS Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS 2 Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. It you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

RIGHT-WING-HARDLINER VIRUS Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

SPRINT VIRUS Periodically runs sound file of a pin dropping.

STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

TED KENNEDY VIRUS Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.

TED TURNER VIRUS Colorizes your monochrome monitor (poorly).

TERRY PANDLE VIRUS Prints "O' no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file on your hard disk.

TIPPER GORE VIRUS - When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

ALPHA v0.3