ALPHA v0.3

Because of the fun and sarcastic nature of some of these jokes, viewer & reader discretion is advised. Don't read'em and then complain!

This is an alpha release of this section. If you find any problems or would like to recommend something, please be kind enough to give us some feedback.


New Software Announcement

Topic: computer


PC WIFE for Dos and Windows

For the truly lonely and scandalously ugly men with no chance of ever finding the real thing.

NOTICE! This is not Freeware! Manual and Quick Reference Guide

From the time you load this software, you are required to cash your paycheck and send the entire amount to the address listed. We will send back the money we think you will need each week.

Before installing, read all instructions in this manual and make several back up copies of the original disks. This software has caused hardware damage in some machines with short-tempered users.

This software, like many others, is claimed to work with Windows. It might. It might not. If it doesn't, it is your fault. Buy a better computer next time!


Okay you lovebirds, dim the lights and open that bottle of champagne. Insert the install disk ( 1) into one of the floppy drives (A or B). At the C: prompt, type A: or B: install. You will notice a faint smell of perfume, a soft moaning sound, and the room may feel warm. You may feel slight dizziness and a lack of good judgement. Don't worry. This is normal.

At this point an introduction screen will appear on the monitor. Press enter. You will now be asked a few simple questions like those listed below. Please consider your answers carefully.

1. Are you married? 2. Do you have any children? 3. Have you been married before? 4. How much money do you make? A lot? 5. Do you want to have children? 6. What time do you get home from work?

No answer is wrong. Remember, this is for losers. The program will adjust for any combination of answers. Once you have answered all 2,486 questions, the program will automatically begin. The computer must remain on at all times. An Uninterruptable Power Supply (UPS) would be a good addition to your equipment for full enjoyment.


There are several programs and files that are used in the operation of PC WIFE. Do not delete any of these files.

README.DOC- Who does? You might want to read this six months from now. PISS.EXE- Timed program, runs every afternoon. MOAN.DAT- Data file used with PISS.EXE. PMS.COM- Program runs once a month, however, can also run at any time, or not at all. (Do whatever it instructs!) WENCH.EXE- Program runs when requested. You may have to request this several times to get it to run. Begging may help. BITCH.EXE- Program will run sooner or later. Be patient. Negative feedback aggravates the program. Note: Runs more frequently if you drink or are late from work, or if you are late in complying with any PC WIFE request. BITCH.DAT- Data file used with BITCH.EXE. CLEAN.EXE- Merely a reminder program with a handy "clean the house" pop-up menu. Failure to follow instructions given carefully will result in more frequent executions of BITCH.EXE. Frequent running of BITCH.EXE could cause more frequent action of PMS.COM. This is not a preferred situation. MIL.EXE- A mother-in-law simulation program creates a noise similar to a parrot with its foot hung. Running of other programs in PC WIFE not complying with requests in a timely manner will determine duration and volume of program execution. DINNER.EXE- A handy reminder program consisting of phone numbers for pizza delivery (or fine dining establishments).


There are many hidden files in PC WIFE. If you are lucky, and blessed with quick reflexes, you will not endure the wrath of these files.


Sign the enclosed Warranty Death Beneficiary Registration Card before in-stalling this software. Mail card and first paycheck 10 days before installation of program.


Once PC WIFE has been running five minutes, it will be in complete control of your house, car, and life. If for any reason you are unhappy with your PC WIFE, there is only one way to loosen its hold on you. Upon receipt of all deeds, bank account holdings and titles, legally signed over to our company, we will gladly terminate 90% of PC WIFE functions. If at any time a check for 75% of your earnings is more than five days late in arriving, PC WIFE will be reinstated with all hidden files on activated status.


The makers of PC WIFE hold no responsibility for damage, medical costs, loss of sanity, financial ruin, or any other potentially adverse effects from running this software.

Thank you very much for your purchase and continued support. Till Death Do Us Part Software, Inc.


A mere nine months after installation of software, a heady perfume of ammonia and manure will permeate your home. Yes! For one entire year, your house will not only smell like a baby lives there, but it will sound like you are the proud father of triplets! Shrieks, screams and giggles will emit at random times from your SoundBlaster. Fool neighbors and friends with 2 am feeding wails and gurgles that last well past dawn!

As if that wasn't enough, slimy drool and vile-smelling, green glop will spurt from your floppy drives many times during the next 18 years. Yes, 18 YEARS! Amaze your friends! (A keyboard condom will be included in your purchase.)

You want MORE?? We've GOT more! Hard drive fevers in the middle of the night! Simulated trips to hospital emergency rooms! Report cards! Calls from the principal! PTA meetings! And when your PC CHILD turns 16 years old, you'd better buy a new car, because your child will be DRIVING! Yes, DRIVING! AND getting in car wrecks on the average of twice a month! Watch your insurance rates climb!

And the fun goes on and on and on. We can't tell you everything. That wouldn't be any fun, would it? But we suggest you start bugging your computer retailer now for PC CHILD. Your PC WIFE will want one every two or three years, and you don't want to make her angry! Trust us.

ALPHA v0.3