ALPHA v0.3

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New Miracle-Ware Products For Your Cray Pc

Topic: computer


Floating Point Accelerator - As an owner of a Cray PC you may have noticed that simple programs can finish well before they are run, sometimes even years before you even bought your Cray! (Data generated by such a run will write itself to the nearest available output or mass storage device as appropriate. The FCC is horridly working on legislation to cover this new form of interference). Unfortunately complex floating point calculations can take far more time, often finishing only a few milliseconds before they are run. The Miracle-Ware floating point accelerator solves this problem, allowing you to do floating point instructions in a large multiple of the negative time formerly required!

Lotus 1E10 2E10 3E10 - The ULTIMATE spreadsheet program. Takes full advantage of the temporal-reversal properties of your Cray. Set up programs to explore todays marked trends. The output will be available to you sometime in the past (user controllable!) allowing you to ANTICIPATE these same trends with 100% percent accuracy (Note: Miracle-Ware assumes no liability for history- changing events which may invalidate the results). Of course once you have the results, there is no need to run the programs, thus allowing you to save expensive computer time! WARNING: Imminent legislation being lobbied for by economists may soon make sale of this software illegal. Buy now while you still can.

Chrono-Shielding - Protect your very existence with our patented Chrono shield technology! Ever since JCN's surprise move of making IBM nonexistent in this timestream (met by great praise from academia), corporations and individuals have recognized the need for chrono-protection. Our shielding isolates you and your company from deliberate time-tampering by others, or by accidental destruction from your own work!

New Human Interfaces - First in our line of unique human interfaces is the Psychic Communication Peripheral (PCP). Throw out your windows and mice, this device enables the Cray to read the users mind and perform the desired operations! (Warning: This device will not work in the presence of professional magicians. It is not warranted for use under controlled laboratory conditions). For information on our other human interfaces see our announcements in the Adults Only newsgroups (Note: Many of the more advanced interfaces require the Cray PC+ RISCe technology supermicro).

Alternatively, you can buy our new RetardaBox product and run your old software unchanged (well, almost). Just add the RetardaBox to your Cray PC (some small additions to the cooling and power-supply systems will be needed) and you'll find it slowing right down to more human speeds. The RetardaBox contains 5 gigabytes of ROM holding the latest 4.7 BSD kernel, and also the 56 terabytes of additional RAM needed to run it. This miracle of modern software engineering supplies all the slowness you could ever want! Since only 37% of the system interface has changed since, only trivial reprogramming will be needed. Order today! Free with the first 500 orders: a three-volume leather-bound boxed set of the ls(1) manual page!!!

(Coming soon: Doug Gwyn's latest compatibility package, faithfully emulating System V Release 573, featuring full compliance with the System V Interface Encyclopedia! Requires AT&T license. Comes with the latest AT&T-approved distributions of the Concatenator's Workbench, the File Renaming Workbench, and the Directory Listing Workbench. Optional libraries available for complete emulation of the latest System V interprocess-communication facilities; please specify the particular facility needed by giving the room number in Columbus, Ohio of its original user(s). No troublesome 'cleanup' or 'simplification' or 'unification' has been done!) For those who need IBM PC compatibility, there is an IBM Emulation switch which divides the clock rate by a factor of five (an additional programmable clock-rate divider controlled by a random-noise generator is available as part of the TSO Emulation Option), adds warm, friendly blur and fuzz to the Cray PC's chillingly sharp and clear display, and reprograms the keyboard encoder so that mundane touch typing becomes an exciting adventure!

ALPHA v0.3