theparticle.com

ALPHA v0.3

Disclaimer
Because of the fun and sarcastic nature of some of these jokes, viewer & reader discretion is advised. Don't read'em and then complain!

Alpha
This is an alpha release of this section. If you find any problems or would like to recommend something, please be kind enough to give us some feedback.


BACK

Cray Computers --------------

Topic: computer

Cray Computers --------------

There is one major problem with the Cray PC. It is far too fast. Research has shown that having the computer present answers before the questions are asked causes intense psychological damage to the user, therefore it is important for most tasks to slow your Cray down to human usable speeds. Software from SlowWare Inc. can help you solve this problem.

Our first package, available second quarter 1985 (not a typo, the software appeared on our disks, along with a README file explaining that our 1987 selves had written it), is the SLow lANGuage (SLANG) development system. SLANG is a revolutionary new programming language that enables you to completely negate the Cray PC's incredibly speed.

First, SLANG takes your highly structured code and preprocesses it into S-code (Spaghetti code). On an average program SLANG will increase the size of your program by 117.42% from goto statements alone! This has the added advantage of making it virtually impossible for anyone to reverse engineer your product, EVEN IF THE S-CODE IS READABLE! Other effects of SLANG are to move assignment statements inside loops and introduce several redundant statements.

For added slowness the S-code is then interpreted rather than being compiled into machine language. And of course we use the most inefficient methods known to man or machine. The degree of inefficiency introduced is user controllable (within certain limits of course), and is specified by Minimum Acceptable Delay (MAD).

If you need extra slowdown you can purchase our VLSS (Very Large Scale Slowness) option. This is an advanced program that scans your code, analyzes the algorithms used and attempts to replace them with less efficient algorithms, many times completely replacing them with a 'brute force' approach. VLSS also looks for bottleneck areas in your code, and narrows them even further.


ALPHA v0.3