ALPHA v0.3

Because of the fun and sarcastic nature of some of these jokes, viewer & reader discretion is advised. Don't read'em and then complain!

This is an alpha release of this section. If you find any problems or would like to recommend something, please be kind enough to give us some feedback.


You Know You'Re Too Serious About Computers

Topic: computer

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO SERIOUS ABOUT COMPUTERS... ----------------------------------------------

If you did an error-free installation of Windows 95.

When your modem starts smoking.

If no one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online.

If you log-off your system because it's time to go to work.

If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.

If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.

If you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine.

If you can write your own html page.

If you can access more than 20 erotic no-pay sites.

If you download more than 20Mb from a binary newsgroup, in one session.

If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look at a photograph.

You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.

If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.

When someone tells you to remember something, and you look for File/Save command.

When you discover there is no little car icon with a forward arrow on the dashboard of your car, to make it go.

When you think the File/Kill command should apply to your system administrator.

When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.

When you start using phrases like:

If you have a heart attack when you forgot to pay your phone bill and receive a "pending disconnection of service" notice.

When you order most of what you buy... online.

If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.

When you find yourself engaged to someone you've never actually met; except through e-mail.

When you log-off from a session in your favorite newsgroup... and your log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.

If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're exceeding 300 hours a month, connect time.

When you add your third modem and dedicated phone line.

You access Microsoft's Web page every Sunday morning for Brother Bill's sermon.

When that 112Gb hard drive is full.

If 133 Mhz is simply too slow.

When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.

If you have an "online" light installed on your car to tell you when the engine is running.

When you discover that in order to drive your car somewhere, you do not enter an http:// or ftp:// address.

If you can actually talk to the computers in your new car - and understand what they say.

When you modify the programming of your car's computers and actually get better mileage.

When you can access the Net - via your portable and cellular phone.

If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.

If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.

When you put a CD-ROM in your car's player.

When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find it's on TV.

If every sentence you utter begins with, "On the Net..."

If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes.

If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.

When you insist on seeing the movie "The Net" - for the 63rd time.

If magazines like "InternetWorld" are of greater interest than "Playboy" or "Playgirl".

If you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses.

If you use more than 20 passwords.

If you set up your own Web page.

If you set up a Web page for each of your kids... and your pets.

If, instead of a phone number, you ask someone for their e-mail address.

If you don't know anyone who DOESN'T have an e-mail addresses.

If, to you, 'safe sex' means doing it online.

If you convince your mom that she HAS to get online because e-mail is so much cheaper than long distance phone charges.

If you can write a list like this.

If you can relate to a list like this.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for omitting the "else" clause.

You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /

When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number...

When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you think K. D. Lang is an internet site.

ALPHA v0.3