ALPHA v0.3

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Data Processing Definitions

Topic: computer

"Data Processing Definitions"

Access Time - The time between the instant at which information is called for, and the instant at which management expects the final report.

Assembler - One who drops his card deck.

Assumed Decimal Point - Located two positions to the right of a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth.

Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.

Breakpoint - The point at which programmer increments past last bit available.

Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output.

Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer draws his salary.

Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples.

Counter - A device over which martinis are served.

Crash - What a detached (q.v.) programmer would dearly love to do, for at least eight hours.

Default - De line west of which de state of California will float off to sea at de next major quake.

Detached - What programmer becomes after third day without sleep.

Device - Medieval torture instrument such as thumbscrew, iron maiden.

Disassembler - An unattended five year old child.

Diskettes - A group recently formed from old members of the rockettes.

Documentation - A manual which tells you how to use a program, system, or utility one version ago, and which is now unsupported.

Error - What someone else has made when he disagrees with your computer output.

External Storage - A wastebasket.

Fixed Word Length - Four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion.

Floating Control - A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the restroom but cannot leave the computer.

Floating Point - The absolute limit before floating control is lost. Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the restroom.

Hardware - Nuts, bolts, and circuit boards "left over" after repairman has reassembled cpu.

Host - Person who insists on keeping visiting programmer up until 4 am with trivia.

I/O Device - Note you sign for the bank in/order to get loan for new (old) car.

Input - Food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc.

Library - An organized collection of obsolete material.

Load - What you dump after reaching floating point.

Low Order Position - The programmer's location in the chain of command.

Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise: "Holy Macro".

Memory Dump - Amnesia.

Mainframe - Primary person who just got set up for the blame of the system crash.

Microsecond - Amount of time needed for a program to bomb.

Off-Line - Uncharitable remarks programmer makes to wife or husband upon being phoned at 9pm to come in because system just crashed.

On-Line - Programmer trying to deal rationally on phone with management at 9pm.

Peripheral - Now you see it, now you don't...

Printout - A document to verify data you know is wrong anyway.

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Source file - One which was "appropriated" from one of the competitors.

Switch - When management changes its mind.

Terminal - Condition of detached programmer three days further along.

ALPHA v0.3