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ALPHA v0.3

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Computer Dictionary Ver. 2 --------------------------

Topic: computer

Computer Dictionary Ver. 2 --------------------------

APPLE............Typically a device used to seduce men. Usually equipped with display screens and/or worms.

BINARY...........Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.

BIT..............A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT.............What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.

BUG..............What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.

CHAINING.........A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output.

CHECKPOINT.......The location from where programmer draws his salary.

COMMON LANGUAGE..The first thing a programmer must forget to be sucessful.

CORE STORAGE.....A receptacle for the center section of apples.

CHIPS............The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY.............What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR...........What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"

DEBUG............The act of placing shoe leather against a small creeping creature.

DISK.............What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP.............The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ETHERNET.........Device used to catch the Ether bunny.

ERROR............What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."

EXTERNAL STORAGE.Wastebasket.

EXPANSION UNIT...The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FIFO.............Common name for a dog.

FILE.............What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY...........The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").

FLOW CHART.......A graphic representation of the fastest route to the coffee machine.

FORTRAN..........Fortunately Our Readers Take Refreshers At Nightschool

GARBAGE..........Highly aromatic computer output.

HARDWARE.........Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

HIGH SPEED PRINTER.Wife writing checks

IBM..............The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

INPUT............Food, whiskey, beer, excedrin.

INTERFACE........The opposite of 'getouttamyface'.

K................A term used in employment ads to disguise how much they are really willing to pay.

MACRO............The last half of an expression, for example: "Holy Macro!"

MEGAHERTZ........A very large car rental company.

MENU.............What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MICROSECOND......The amount of time required for a program to hang up.

MONITOR..........Those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

NETWORK..........The occupation of a fisherman.

NUMERIC..........46-26-38

OFF LINE.........Failure to pass a sobriety test.

ON LINE..........Full but not drunk

ON LINE..........A statement shouted at tennis judges in response to serves being called out.

ONLINE...........Where you hang your laundry to dry.

PROGRAM..........What commercials try to do to us.

PROGRAMS.........Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RAM..............A male sheep.

REAL TIME........Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.

RETURN...........What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.

ROM..............A RAM after a delicate operation.

SEMI-CONDUCTOR...A person hired to lead an orchestra before he has graduated from director's school.

SERIAL INTERFACE.A spoon.

SOFTWARE.........Typically silk nighties, nylons, garter belts. Contrast with hardware.

TERMINAL.........What most people have to be before consenting to see a doctor.

TERMINAL.........A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW...........What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.


ALPHA v0.3