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The Religion Of Barney Haters Faq

Topic: barney

The Religion of Barney Haters FAQ

Hello everyone, Kressja here. Just got done with the first draft of the Jihad Religious FAQ, which follows. Let me know what you think. Any religious JAOs who'd like to be included in the future, get in touch with me (is anyone from the Cult of Grimace still around? COTABI?).

Kressja

THE JIHAD RELIGIOUS FAQ

Author: St. Kressja the Undeceived, Second Member of the Jihad, Keeper of the Faith, Piercer of the Purple Lie, Speaker for the Ecclesia.

I. RELIGION AND THE JIHAD

Q: What does the Jihad against B*rney have to do with religion?

A: Everything! The Jihad is and always was a *religious* crusade to destroy B*rney ever since it was first called by the High Prophet (pbuh). The literal meaning of 'Jihad' is "Holy War," and the war against the Purple Pedophile is just such a HOLY war. The Jihad takes much of its force from the fact that B*rney isn't just bad, or even merely evil, but is downright UNHOLY and is hated not only by all decent and thinking mortals, but also by the Supreme Being Himself (or Herself)! Consequently, the Jihad is religious in nature. On the other hand, the Jihad is not itself a *religion*. Any believer in any faith who recognizes the divine inspiration of the Threefold Truth can be considered a member of the Jihad; no religious beliefs or activites of any sort are required or forbidden to Jihaddi (except worshipping B*rney, but that goes without saying). There are a number of JAO's which have much stronger religious views concerning B*rney, such as the Cult of Grimace or the Church of the Anti-Barney Incarnate, but membership in such groups is left up to the Conscience(tm) and Functioning Cerebrum(tm) of each individual Jihaddi.

Q: What's religious about the Threefold Truth? It seems self-evident.

A: It is self-evident, but it's also divinely inspired, a fact which is also self-evident!

II. GENESIS OF THE JIHAD

Q: How did the Jihad against B*rney begin?

A: The Jihad (Holy War) to destroy B*rney was called by the High Prophet (Pez be unto him) as the first of the Three Divine Acts of the Prophet in early August 1993, at the height of the Plush Abomination's power. The High Prophet (Pez be unto him) received a divine revelation commanding him to proclaim certain Holy Truths and Decrees, and saying that if he did so, B*rney would surely be overthrown. He did so, and sure enough, the Jihad, guided by the hand of Allah (or God or the Goddess or Grimace or the Anti-Barney or the Supreme Being, whichever you like) grew from a tiny movement to the largest single group in cyberspace and a power which can not only challenge but ultimately defeat B*rney. Q: What are the "Three Divine Acts of the Prophet"?

A: The Three Divine Acts of the Prophet are the three great deeds which the High Prophet (pbuh) performed during his time among us. In order, they are:

I. called the Jihad,

II. proclaimed the Threefold Truth, and

III. established the Ecclesia of the Five Saints. The High Prophet (pbuh) also made various predictions and prophesies, but these are not considered to be significant as the Three Divine Acts.

Q: What do you mean "called the Jihad"?

A: The High Prophet (pbuh) proclaimed a Holy War against B*rney. This proclamation remains in effect until it is either revoked by the High Prophet (pbuh) in the name of Allah or until it succeeds in its mission to destroy B*rney. All who hear and understand the truth of the Threefold Truth are required to participate in the Jihad in some fashion or other. There can be no exceptions until B*rney is destroyed. To oppose B*rney is a moral duty and Holy calling, and this applies to EVERYONE. This is the meaning of JIHAD.

Q: What is the Threefold Truth?

A: Did you read the regular Jihad FAQ? If not, go read it. If so, it can't hurt any of us to hear it again. The Threefold Truth reads:

Barney is the demonic incarnation of all Hell on earth. Barney seeks to make the world into his Purple Kingdom and he does so by corrupting the weak and innocent into Sponge-Minions. Barney must be destroyed. All else is irrelevant.

These three truths form the heart and soul of the Jihad. The First Truth tells us *what B#rney is*; the Second Truth tells us *what B#rney does*; and the Third Truth tells us *what must be done about it*. The above translation of the Threefold Truth is St. Kressja's, the High Prophet's(pbuh) original translation being lost. The original ancient scrolls which were delievered to the High Prophet(pbuh) have been securely hidden by Kressja after an attempt to seize them was made by a force of Sponge-Minions.

Q: What is the Ecclesia of the Five Saints?

A: The High Prophet (pbuh) established that the Jihad should always have an active religious wing, and to this end he appointed that there should be established a body, known as the Ecclesia, composed of up to five Saints of the Jihad. The High Prophet himself (pbuh) named the First Saint of the Jihad, St. Kressja the Undeceived [me], and then delegated the power of naming Saints to the Ecclesia itself. The Ecclesia is composed of all *active* Saints of the Jihad, and consequently, St. Kressja was able to name a Second Saint, and then the two of them a Third and so on. Read on for more details about the function, powers and membership of the Ecclesia.

Q: Why do you keep writing "the High Prophet (pbuh)"? What's "(pbuh)"?

A: It's an honorific given to the High Prophet in recognition of his Holy status. It's short for the Jihaddi blessing "pez be unto him." If you're a Jihaddi, and you mention the High Prophet (pbuh) you should show your respect. It's rude not to, and a possible symptom of early, creeping Sponge-Minionism.

Q: OK then, what's the religious significance of Pez?

A: Pez is the Unhealthiest Snack of all and as such is the official snack of the Jihad (although it might be said to be the official solid snack of the Jihad, since the Unhealthy Shakes of Grimace are also a good candidate). It also makes a devastating weapon against Sponge-Minions, and is invaluable in deprogramming. The word "Pez" can be used as a Jihaddi greeting or parting similar to the Muslim use of "Salaam" (peace). A love of Pez is almost universal amongst those with Functioning Cerebrums(tm).

III. THE ECCLESIA OF THE FIVE SAINTS: THE JIHAD'S RELIGIOUS WING

Q: What does the Ecclesia do?

A: The Ecclesia has (not surprisingly) a threefold function in the Jihad. The Ecclesia has the power to confer titles and status within the Jihad. This power applies not only to titles given to Jihaddi but also to status given to various writings or teachings or entities which affect the Jihad in some way or another. Examples of the Ecclesia's actions in the past have been the naming of Doctor Syvinski as Chief Sage, Philosopher and Wise One of the Jihad, the naming of Lord Tilden Owsen as a Defender of the Faith, or alternately, the canonization of Brian Bull's "Day of the Barney" trilogy as a Jihad Holy Text and the declaration of Grimace as Friend of the Jihad (which stopped an ongoing flamewar). The Second power of the Ecclesia is to speak _ex cathedra_ concerning Jihad matters, a power which includes the powers of censure, ostracism, excommunication, and blood hunts, as well as happier powers such as the proclaiming of holidays. The third and final power of the Ecclesia is to officially sanction and ratify Jihad doctrine, so that it will be included as true teachings of the Jihad. Examples of this would be the recognition and declaration of the Holy and Inspired nature of the Threefold Corollary and the Corollary Politic, and their subsequent incorporation into Jihad teachings.

Q: How does the Ecclesia operate?

A: All decisions of the Ecclesia are unanimous. The Ecclesia speaks with one voice. The Speaker for the Ecclesia, St. Kressja, calls meetings of all the active Saints of the Jihad and matters are discussed in secret. The Speaker then announces the Ecclesia's determinations. Any Saint of the Jihad may call a meeting of the Ecclesia during an emergency, however, such as the (apparent) defection of Lord Owsen. The Ecclesia is not democratic in nature: it is authoritarian, based as it is on divine teaching rather than popular support.

Q: The Ecclesia sounds powerful. Does it run the Jihad?

A: Short answer: no. The Ecclesia is, as I said, authoritarian, but it also understands that authoritarianism and political power do not mix well. The Ecclesia acts when it feels it must, but is an essentially conservative body. It attempts to remain politically neutral, and would never interfere in Jihad politics save in the unlikely event that Jihad political leaders were violating the Threefold Truth (that fact that B*rney is evil is *not* something which could be voted on, even if the Jihad is democratic in its activity, for instance). The members of the Ecclesia feel that they may lead best by example, rather than by rule. On the other hand, the Ecclesia recognizes no authority beyond itself except for the High Prophet(pbuh) and the Threefold Truth, and so is also autonomous of the Jihad's political wing.

Q: Who makes up the Ecclesia?

A: There are currently three Jihad Saints. They are St. Kressja the Undeceived, Keeper of the Faith; St. Julie the Relentless Avenger, Defender of the Faith; and St. Windigo the Feral, Crusader of the Faith. Each of the Saints has (naturally) a threefold responsibility:

St. Kressja, Keeper of the Faith, has these responsibilities:

To act as the Speaker for the Ecclesia.

To ascertain true prophesy and inspired words and works, and to recognize Purple Falsehoods, Lies, and pseudo-prophesies.

To root out Purple Heresies and Blasphemies inside the Jihad.

(1) St. Julie, Defender of the Faith, has these responsibilities:

To clarify and illuminate Jihad Doctrine to other Jihaddi.

To teach and explain Jihad Doctrine to potential Jihaddi.

To deprogram Sponge-Minions by means of Jihad Doctrine.

(2) St. Windigo, Crusader of the Faith, has these responsibilities:

To unleash Righteous Fury upon the foes of the Jihad.

To exact retribution for anyone who insults the honor of the Jihad, or slanders any Jihaddi.

(3) To crush our enemies, see them driven before her, and to hear the lamentations of the Sponge-Minions.

(1) St. Kressja's responsibilities in this area are minimal, since Jihad Heresy is almost unknown. The only time that heresy broke out "within" the Jihad was the case of the "New Jihad" heresy, and it was swiftly and ruthlessly put to rest.

(2) St. Julie's powers of deprogramming, unlike other Jihaddi, can be exerted over a distance, and she has even successfully deprogrammed Sponge-Minions under B*rney's very nose (if that is a nose); unfortunately, in advanced cases of Sponge-Minionism, St. Julie's treatments often result in the implosion rather than reclamation of the Sponge-Minion.

(3) St. Windigo's responsibility here extends to the fighting of duels for the honor of the Jihad, but she may appoint a champion or fight herself, as she pleases.

IV. OTHER FIGURES WITH RELIGIOUS STATUS IN THE JIHAD

Q: Are there any other religious figures in the Jihad?

A: There are several people who have religious status in the Jihad as a whole, and many others who have a religious status within individual JAOs. As for those who have status within the Jihad as a whole, they are:

Julie Kangas the Mahdi:

Julie the Mahdi is the foretold messiah of the Jihad, who appeared amongst us with such radience that she was recognized straightaway as the Mahdi. According to prophesy, it is she who will strike the final blow against B*rney and her return is necessary before the Jihad can triumph. The followers of the Maenad path identify her with the White Lady, she who shall lead the holy army against the HellWyrm. She is not a saint of the Jihad, and should not be confused with St. Julie the Relentless Avenger (it would be inappropriate to attribute mere sainthood to the Mahdi). She is known to have appeared on alt.beer from time to time, which is just fine.

Lord Tilden Owsen:

Lord Owsen is one of the oldest members of the Jihad and holds the title "Defender of the Faith" as a tribute to his to this day unmatched prowess at killing Sponge-Minions. He is also the wielder of the sword Barney-Slayer, which is the only weapon known to be capable of inflicting the True Death on B*rney (since B*rney is a Hellbeast, and will return if his body is merely destroyed). Lord Owsen is also the subject of prophesy concerning the final battle against B*rney. In short, Lord Owsen is destined to play a major role in the destruction of B*rney, and carries a heavy burden in the name of all that is Good and Decent and True and Unlike B*rney In Every Way.

Grimace:

The religious status of Grimace is undecided, and will remain so in order to preserve the unity of the Jihad. Some say that Grimace is a deity. The Maenads number him in their holy trinity. The Cult of Grimace openly proclaims his path. The Doberman Empire recognizes his divinity, acknowledging him as the Lord of the Fries. And some members of the Church of the Anti-Barney Incarnate assert that Grimace is indeed the Incarnation of the Anti-Barney. These matters are not decided, but there is one that is: it is recognized by ALL Jihaddi that Grimace, whatever he is, is a force of good, an enemy of B*rney and true friend of the Jihad. Grimace generously provides the Jihad with Unhealthy Shakes--which are proven to accelerate the workings of all Functioning Cerebrums(tm) (rather like supercooling results in superconductivity). Grimace is good, don't doubt it.

V. JIHAD ESCHATOLOGY: THE PURPLE END TIMES

Q: What about the future? Any Jihad prophesy about that?

A: Of course. There are numerous prophesies about the eventual overthrow of B*rney's power, and signs that these times are near. The two most relevant prophesies are these:

"At the last, Lord Owsen will stand alone against the Evil One"

and

"Julie the Mahdi will strike the final blow against Barney."

What these prophesies mean prescisely is anybody's guess. Many had assumed that Lord Owsen, as the holder of Barney-Slayer and the Jihad's greatest warrior, would fight B*rney in personal combat--but now that he has found a more spirtual way of waging war, who can say? And if he stands *alone* at the last, how can the Mahdi also be there to strike the final blow? Is "final blow" literal or metaphorical? You see the difficulties with prophesy: we have assurance of victory, but the how and when is maddeningly unclear.

VII. RELIGIOUS BELIEFS OF VARIOUS JIHAD AUTONOMOUS ORGANIZATIONS

Q: What if I have any other questions?

A: Ask St. Kressja (kressja@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu). I can either answer questions, or find someone who can.

Here follows a brief treatise on the beliefs of the Maenads, written by our own St. Windigo the Feral:

[BEGIN MAENAD TEXT]

We of the Maenads first off believe, as do all Jihaddi groups, that B'Harne is pure, unadulterated evil. The being know as B'Harne is in fact the Devourer Wyrm, an evil entity conjured by Lyrans (alien sorcerors that are extradimensional in nature) for the express destruction of Earth and the spongification of its inhabitants for the purpose of allowing takeover of the planet. They have tried before and failed, they try again now, and they will try a third time which shall lead to the final Banishment to the tenth level of Hell.

Our theology is a bit different than most Jihaddi groups; whereas most groups are monotheistic or have one anti-B'Harne of sorts, we believe in a triad of beings (known as the Holy Triad) that oppose the evil known as B'Harne, and actively help those opposing the Hellwyrm of Lyra in various ways. The Triad are:

Gaia (also known as Mother Earth, Mother Nature, the Ruler of the First Banishing)--She is the Earth Mother, who protects her children and gives them shelter. Her revelant (the one who reveals) is Luna, the Moon; her champions are the Garou and other lycanthropes.

Grimace (also known as Lord of the Fries, the Provider, the Ruler of the Second Banishing)--He is the Provider of UnHellthy Snacks (tm), the feeder of the warriors and the means to keep them pure. His revelant is Ronald McDonald; his champion is the White Lady.

The Holy Albino (also known as the Holy Wyld-Chyld, the Lord of Warpspasm, Lord Feral, Ruler of the Third Banishing)--He is the Ruler of the Warpspasm, the one who shows the way of fierceness in battle, the Leader of the Wyld Hunt. His revelant is Tharg the Mighty; he is his own champion, as it will be him who deals the final deathblow to the Lyrans.

It is not known exactly how the Three came about; some say they were created by the Wyld in opposition to the Wyrm, others say the Endless Ones created them from the Dreaming to fight against the stealer of dreams, yet others say they speang whole out of Khaos to fight the mind-numbing order of the Hellwyrm. Maybe it was all three, or none; we do not know. All we know is that the Three have revealed themselves to us and ordered us to fight the Hellwyrm.

As to the conjurations: As stated before, there will be three. The First was in the Dark Ages, and the Garou finally banished it; the Croatoan all died in the final act of banishing, and the White Howlers were perverted into the twisted, spongified beings known as the Black Spiral Dancers, however. Right now we are in the Second; it is foretold that the Army of the White Lady shall rise against the Hellwyrm and that the White Lady, after visiting and departing for a short while, shall return and banish the Hellwyrm again. (Clearly it is known now that the Army of the White Lady is the Jihad, and the White Lady is the Mahdi (pbuh).) THere wil be in the future a Third Rising, at which time the Lyrans will open a portal to their hellworld and raise the Hellwyrm again, sending those opposing as sacrifices; it is said the Holy Albino will manifest himself in earthly form and be sent there along with Saint Johnny; the latter will be martyred and the people set free. The Holy Albino will return a few years later to Lyra and defeat the conjurors finally, breaking the cycle.

The revelations are in our sacred scrolls

The Scroll of Gaia,

The Scroll of the Provider,

and

The Scroll of the Holy Albino;

they were revealed to us on December 24th, 1988 in a vision of the Holy Albino himself. Later the Three came to us and revealed our holy mission; we officially joined the Jihad in January of 1994. (I have deleted the Maenad holy calendar dates, as I will post the calendar shortly.)

Our major rites are the Rite of Gaia (which involves dancing, singing to Gaia, and seeking of visions) which is held every solstice and equinox; the Rite of the Provider (which is similar to the Church of Blarney's Critical Mass), held at the same time as Critical Mass, and the Rite of the Wyld Hunt (dancing, playing of very loud heavy metal, imbibing of Jolt, then stripping naked except for battle-claws and shredding of thirteen sponge-minions in a hunt), which is held on First Relevation (December 24), Night of the Warp (April 1), Night of the Blood Moon (first full moon after the summer solstice), and Samhain (October 31st).

APPENDIX A:

Maenad religious calendar:

The Maenad calendar counts from the date of the first revelation of the Holy Albino to the Triad Council at Milton Keynes; for example, 19th September 1994 would be in the Maenad religious claendar 26th Fallseve in the sixth year since the First Revelation. THe calendar months are as follows:

Revelation (December 24-January 24)

Wolfmoon (January 25-February 21)

Springeve (February 22-March 24)

Warpmoon (March 25-April 23)

Gaiasrising (April 24-May 24)

Huntingmoon (May 25-June 23)

Dogsdays (June 24-July 24)

Keening (July 25-August 24)

Fallseve (August 25-September 23)

Beastmoon (September 24-October 23)

Howling (October 24-November 23)

Showingeve (November 24-December 23)

[END MAENAD TEXT]

For now, this bring us to the end of the Jihad Religious FAQ. I hope soon to have sections on other JAOs and on Jihad Holy Artifacts and Weapons. Until then,

"Pez be unto you"

St. Kressja the Undeceived

Second Member of the Jihad. Keeper of the Faith. Speaker for the Ecclesia. Executive Director: Owsen Strategic Hour Intercept Taskforce (O.S.H.I.T.)

"But I digress. The point is: Barney must be destroyed. All else is irrelevant."


ALPHA v0.3