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Little Johnny Jokes -------------------

Topic: adult

Little Johnny Jokes -------------------

Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old and already quite a character. He was bugging his mother, so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something." Jimmy was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he learned. Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the Godd*mn door up; then the son-of-b*tch doesn't fit, so you have to take the c*ck-sucker back down. Then you have to take a c*nt hair off each side and put the Mother-f*cker back up again." Jimmy's mother said, "Just wait til your dad comes home!" When Jimmy's dad got home, Mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story. Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get a switch." Jimmy replied, "F*ck You! That's the electricians job!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A kid goes up to a house on Halloween dressed as a pirate and rings the bell. A `poor slob' answers the door and chortles "Hey what a cute little pirate. Where are all of your buccaneers?". The kid replies "On the sides of my 'bucan' head!!!". ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A father was sitting reading the paper in the same room as his five year old son, who was playing trains. The father was shocked when the boy, upon bringing the train into the station, shouted - "OK! All you *#@$@!!s gettin' on, get the @&%!! on, all you &%$@%!!s gettin' off, get the @*!!*@ off!" The father was very angry and ordered the child up to his room for two hours, after which he could come back and play. Two hours later, the child returned to his train set, and the father stayed in the next room, listening. But when the train pulled in to the station, the boy said - "OK! All you *@%%$!!s gettin' on, get the %#$!! on, all you !&@%!!s gettin' off, get the &%#$!! off. And if you want to know why we're delayed for two hours, ask that #%@*!! in the next room!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- This 7 year-old boy was searching the house for his parents. He passed their bedroom and discovered the door was closed. "Hmmmm, they MUST be in there", he thinks to himself. So he peeks through the keyhole. His mouth drops open, his eyes get big as saucers, "OH MY GOD!!" He runs back to the living room and grabs his 3 year-old brother, "Come on, you have to see this!" They get back to the door and big brother tells the little one, "Now before you look through the keyhole, I want you to remember that this is the same woman, our mother, who just this morning spanked you for sucking your THUMB! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There was the one about the little boy who asked his father, "Daddy? What are those things on mommy's chest?" The father replied, "Son, those are mommy's balloons". The son says, "Really? What are they for?". The father explains, "Well, when monny dies, we blow them up and they carry her off to heaven". The son seemed to understand that and went on his merry way. Late that afternoon the father was coming home from work and was proceeding up the walkway to the front porch when the son ran out screaming "Daddy! Daddy! Come in quick! Mommy's dying! Mommy's dying!" The father says "What do you mean mommy is dying?!?!" The son answers, "Well, she must be... Uncle Bob is in there blowing up mommy's balloons and mommy is yelling 'Oh, Lord, I'm coming, I'm coming!'". ----------------------------------------------------------------------- While a mother is making soup for her three young children the cat accidentally knocked a jar of bee-bees in to the bowl. For some reason the children didn't notice the chrunchyness of the soup. An hour latter little Johnny walks in to the room and says, "Mommy, Mommy I'm peeing bee-bees!" The mother replied, "It will be okay in the morning." Fifteen minutes later little Mary walked in to the room and exclaimed, "Mommy, Mommy I'm peeing bee-bees." and the mother replied, "You'll be okay in the morning." Ten minutes later little Bradly walks in and says, "Mommy, Mommy ..." "I know, I know you're peeing bee-bees right" said the mother. "No" replied the son, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this little girl staring out her bedroom window, watching two dogs screw in the street. In curiosity she called for her father to explain what they were doing. Her father entered the room and asked what was wrong. The girl then said, "Father what are those two dogs doing?" The father hesitantly replied, "Why, one of the dogs got hurt, and the other is helping it to an animal hospital." The girl jumped to her feet and said, "It's just like with humans, Daddy, you try to help someone and you get fucked!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two developmental psychologists were walking along one day when they came across a boy playing with dog feces. They immediately saw some academic (publishing) opportunity in this so they went up and asked the boy, "What are you doing, young man?" "Playin' wif doo doo." said the boy. "And what are you making with it?" they asked. "A statue of my daddy." said the boy. Well - these guys got very excited at the possible case study they could write. "And why are you making a statue of your father?" they asked. "'Cause," said the boy, "I don't got enough to make a statue of a developmental psychologist.." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple was at home on a Saturday afternoon and feeling a little randy. The only problem was that their young son was at home milling about, and generally presenting an obstruction to their plans. Finally the husband hit upon an idea. "Son, go out on the balcony and tell us what is happening in the neighborhood." The boy did as he was told, and as the couple proceeded, the reports came in. "Well, looks like Mr. Gardener is out walking his dog. The Anderson twins are playing in their yard. Mrs. Goldsmith and Mrs. Blume are visiting over their fence, and the Coopers are fucking." The parents stopped cold. "How do you know that?" the wife asked. "Bobby is out on the balcony, too."


ALPHA v0.3