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Dirty Jokes 07

Topic: adult

Dirty Jokes 07

The wife finally persuaded the non-churchgoer to attend a service on a steaming August Sunday. He was ignorant of the ritual and his spouse constantly whispered, "Stand up." "Sit down." "Kneel." "Sit." Perspiring from all the activity, he took out a handkerchief to mop his brow, then laid it in his lap to dry. Seeing the white handkerchief, his wife whispered, "Is you fly open?" "No," he replied, "Should it be?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The ninety-year old man was about to marry a twenty-year old girl, so he went to a marriage counselor for advice. The counselor took one look at the rather feeble man, and advised, "I think you'd avoid problems if you took in a young boarder." Several months later, the old man returned to the counselor and reported his wife was pregnant. The counselor chuckled and said, "I see you took my advice about the boarder." "Yep", the ninety year old man said, "and she's pregnant too." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been putting his bird into the *wrong* bushes. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Actually, my girlfriend is so conceited that during sex she screams out her own name. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Funny, I always thought that soccer was football, whereas the Amreicans play a variation of Rugby (a game played by men with odd shapped balls). In most cases, men who play American football have normal shaped balls. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two dogs in the vet's waiting room. First is a little pit bull, next to him a grat dane. Pit bull looking sad, depressed. Dane asks him, "What's with you?" Pit bull replies, "Well, being a pit bull, I just couldn't help myself. This good looking shiela with a really short skirt came up the property, and I just went ahead and jumped up her skirt and bit her right on the snatch. So now, of course, they're going to put me down. What're _you_ here for?" "Well, I couldn't help myself either. My mistress was just coming out of the shower, and since she left the bathroom door open a bit I nosed on in. Then when she leaned over to pick up the towel, I mounted her." "You mean they're going to put you down for just that???" "Oh, no. I'm not here to get put down, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about the way of life there. REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?? SCOTSMAN: Certainly... REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name? SCOTSMAN: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't. You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't. And did you pass the nets down in the harbor? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't. But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep .... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped with these words. "Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about." Driving along the highway, I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was hungry so I brought her home and made a meal from the roast you had forgotten about in the fridge. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday, but you never wore because it was the wrong color. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then, as she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else you wife doesn't use anymore?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two lawyers are woalking down the street when they see a beautiful woman walking along. The first lawyer says, boy, I'd like to fuck her! and the second lawyer asks Outta what? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The door bell rings. That's the neighbor with a sheet of paper and a pen. "Will you participate in group sex?" "Who's on your list?" "Me, you, and your wife." "Of cause not." "Ok, I'll cross you out." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this 22-year old secretary vacationing in Tampa. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of hooters. Suddenly, she espied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie, complete with flowing oriental robes who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired. "Then, give me two of the biggest boobs in the whole, wide world", she moaned. Poof!! Poof!! Immediately there emerged before her eyes, two huge boobs - Bill Clinton and Bob Dole! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What does Mike Tyson do after sex? Four years. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- you might be a spic if: your girlfriend has more gold in her mouth than on her finger you blew $20 trying to get that ring out of the Krazy Krane you've ever brought a pistol to breakfast your sister has more names than digits you're featured on cops and they know you by name your front yard is a place of business tequilla goes with everything your car is worth more than your house you own more than three leather jackets and you've worn them to funerals. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is sitting at the bar very depressed, the man next to him asks what is wrong. "I've been thrown out of the paratroopers," he says. "Really, why?" "Well, I just couldn't jump. he says I told the flight instructor I couldn't do it and he said we'd just see about that. So he sticks me at the end of the line and everyone else had jumped. I'm standing there in the doorway with my knees just shakin' and he comes up behind me and says You jump outta this airplane or I'm gonna shove my dick right up your ass." "Oh my God," the other man says, "So did you jump?" "Well yah." he responds. "a little bit at first." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- So there they were Pedro and Sophiana driving into the sunset, when suddenly Pedro feels like a bit o' dippin. So he pulls Sophiana out of the car and they get to it in the middle of the road. Good old Ramos, the truck driver, driving back homee sees them a'dippin' and honks like the devil... no dice.. He then stands on the brake, rushes out and yells. "What the fuck d'you guys think you're doing. You could get killed." Pedro gets upo and tells Ramos .. "Brother... You were comin', I was comin' and Sophie here was comin' and goddammit only you had the brakes." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The man says "Hi, I'd like a Bud Light please, and one for my dog also". The bartender replies, "Well, I'll serve you, but I definitely don't serve dogs". The man says, "But he's a talking dog--he'll order the beer himself". Sure enough, the dog pipes up: "I'd like a beer please". The bartender is just flabbergasted. "Amazing!", he says. "Hey, how about if we give the dog ten bucks, and send him across the street. My buddy runs a bar over there, and it'd be a great gag to play on him." So they give the dog ten dollars, and off he goes. After almost an hour, the bartender and owner start to get suspicious about the dog's whereabouts. They head out to check across the street, and in the alley they find the dog and a mongrel bitch, going at it to beat all hell. "Tippy!!", the owner screams. "What's going on?!?! You've never done this before!!" "Well", the dog says, "I've never had ten bucks before!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis. "That's impossible," the physician replied. "She had an appendectomy last year. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?" "No, asshole," the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Whats the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? The Rolling Stones say "hey you get off of my cloud" The Scotsman says "hey Mcleod get off of my ewe" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy is walking along the beach, and finds a magic lamp. He picks it up, and rubs it, and out comes a genie and says,"Master, your wish is my command--I will grant you one wish". Being both healthy & wealthy, he says,"I wish for world peace". The genie says,"Where is there no peace---show me on a map" ??? The man takes out a map, and points to the middle east. The genie shakes his head, and says, "Master, there has not been peace in that part of the world for thousands of years--I cannot do anything about it--Do you have another wish???" The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I would like a GREAT BLOW JOB from my wife". The genie says, "Give me that map again". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The patient wakes up in the recovery room after prostate surgery and sees his doctor. Doctor: I've got good news and bad news. Patient: Give me the good news first. Doctor: We were able to save your testicles. Patient: That's great news. What's the bad news? Doctor: They're under your pillow. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What does a female elk do when she feels neglected and lonely? Goes into town and blows a few bucks. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you get 300 Ethiopians into a phone-box. Put a slice of ham into it! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you get 400 Ethiopians into a phone-box. Take out the phone-book! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A father says to his son "Boy ya gotta quit beatin off or you'll go blind" and the boy says to his father " Hey dad I'm over here" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What is long, black, and sweaty? The welfare line. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy and his dad were out walking in the park when they happen upon two dogs in the act of procreation. "Daddy, what are they doing?" the little one asks. "Well, son, they're making puppies." "Oh." A day or so later the little boy gets out of bed in the middle of the night and wanders into mom and dad's room, and by chance catches them in the act. "Daddy, what are you doing?" "Well, son, we're making babies." "Oh," replies the little boy, "can you turn her over? I'd rather have a puppy." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell when a man is horny? He is awake. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly couple (he was 95, she was 93) got married. On their wedding night, he decided that he should do something, so he reached over and took his bride's hand. She began to tremble and he began to tremble. She began to breathe rapidly and so did he. Then they both simultaneously let out a loud GASP and fell asleep soon after. The next night he once again reached out for his bride's hand and there was a similar result... On the third night of their honeymoon, he reached out for her hand and she quickly pulled it back saying, "Not tonight, I've got a headache!!!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The teacher asked her children's art class to draw on the blackboard their impressions of the most exciting thing they could think of. One little boy got up and drew a long jagged line. "What's that?" asked the teacher. "Lightening," said the boy. "Every time I see lightening I get so excited I scream!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next, a little girl drew a wavy line with the broad side of the chalk. She explained that was her idea of thunder, which always excited her. The teacher thought that was excellent, too. Then little Jerry stepped to the board and made a single dot and sat down. "What's that?" queried the teacher, a bit perplexed. "It's a period," replied Jerry. "Well, Jerry, now what's so exciting about a period?" "I don't know, teacher," the boy replied, "but my sister missed two of 'em and my whole family's excited!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Michael and Lisa-Marie divorce (sniff,sniff) There may be many reasons why they are calling it quits.... They were always arguing which one had the bigger penis. She got tired of him hanging out with the boys. She didn't know that 'Neverland' meant how often she was going to get it. He was always getting into her makeup. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- An English parson was assigned to a parish in rural Wales. After a few weeks he was visited by his bishop, another Englishman. "Well, how are you settling down?" "I feel my flock hasn't really accepted me. They're polite, but still treat me as an outsider." "Have you tried learning a little Welsh? You don't have to be fluent -a few phrases will make a tremendous difference. Start with "Bore da, sut dach chi?" It means 'Good, morning how are you?' I promise you they'll appreciate the gesture." The parson practised the phrase and resolved to use it at the first opportunity. Next morning he was walking up the village street and saw a man approaching on a bicycle. The parson called out cheerfully: "Bore da, sut dach chi?" The cyclist answered: "Get off the road, you Welsh bastard!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise. The guy says "OK." and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it, returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise, so the guy goes back to the drug store and buys three more Dramamine and three more condoms. The curious pharmacist asks, "If it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, "Help me, help me." But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her. Replies the elephant, "Anything! Anything!" So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently, he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant. Says the elephant, "Ouch!" Says the ant, in his own little frenzy, "Suffer bitch, suffer!!!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- An Aussie journalist was in New Zealand doing stories where he saw a Kiwi farmer doing unnatural things with a sheep. He approached the Kiwi and firstly asked, "What sort of sheep is that?" He scribbled down the farmer's reply - "a Merino". The next question was, "Do you shear them?" The farmer replied hastily, "No! Go and find yer own!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Smokey Bear have any children? Because every time she gets hot, he hits her over the head with a shovel and throws dirt on her. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Guy gets his first BJ from his girl friend: "Gee, that was great, Gloria; but I didn't know you were queer." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck? Man's answer: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- how does a nigger get a tan? he turns his hands up toward the sun. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- why are niggers hands white? from having them up on police cars too long. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- how come there were no niggers in the TV show "the flintstones"? they were still apes back then. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A farmer was sitting on the bottom step of his porch eating a sandwich when a hen zoomed by with a rooster in hot pursuit. Suddenly, the rooster slammed on the brakes, slid to a halt and began pecking at the crumbs from the sandwich. "Darn," muttered the farmer, "hope I never get THAT hungry!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do when an Epileptic has a seizer in your pool? Throw in your laundry and a box of "Tide" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck. A while later, the local priests visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at his dog collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught *you* at it, too." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A parrot has the habit of jumping on hens, so the farmer tells him that if he does it again he will pull out every feather on its head. The parrot jumps on the hens again, and his head feathers are all pulled out. Meanwhile, the farmer's wife, who has pretentions to culture, is having a formal dinner. She appoints the parrot to be butler and to tell the guests where to put their hats and coats. The party proceeds without mishap, with the parrot announcing, "Ladies to the right! Gentlemen to the left!" Suddenly, two bald- headed men enter, and the parrot says, "You two chicken-fuckers come out in the hen house with me." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Did anyone hear about the house built by lesbians? Absolutely no studs, everything was tongue-in-groove. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts. Now Accepting Seven Applications. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Why was the Challenger Accident like an old TV show? Because it started off as Star Trek, but ended up as Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do the NASA technicians drink Coke? Because they can't get seven-up. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- How do we know that Christa McAuliffe had dandruff? We found her head and shoulders. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Why didn't the shuttle crew shower before takeoff? They preferred to wash up on shore. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before boarding the shuttle? "Honey, you feed the dogs, I'll feed the fish." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- What was the last transmission received from the Challenger? "I wonder what this button does?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- How do we know that Christa McAuliffe had blue eyes? Because one blew this way, and one blew that way. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Bobbitt Prayer;

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray my penis I will keep and if I wake and it is gone I hope I find it on the lawn I hope the dog that is running free doesn't see that little part of me many precautions I must take to keep this part I love to shake much attention I must pay to assure I put the knives away the mower, chain saw, the hatchet too there's just no telling what she'd do to rid me of my manly charm I must keep it safe, away from harm So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes and cross my legs to avoid surprise. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Old man Frank goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, "How's our bull doing?" Frank says, "Our bull ain't doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don't want nothing to do with them." The banker says, "You better call the veterinarian." A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, "How's our bull doing now?" Frank says, "Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors' cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the Vet give him?" Frank says, "He gave him some pills." The banker says, "What kind of pills?" Frank says, "I don't know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint."


ALPHA v0.3