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Dirty Jokes 6

Topic: adult

Dirty Jokes 6

Two drunks meet each other on the street: #1 drunk: Hey 'der buddy, I got a bottle 'o wine fer my wife tonight. #2 drunk: Yeah I seen yer wife, and you got a good deal!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two guys were playing golf. The first guy had a fantastic game, never missed a putt, straight shots down the fairway, and finished the game with a hole in one. The second guy couldn't believe the skill of his friend, and asked him what he did to improve his game so much. His friend told him that before each game, he had sex with his wife 3 times, and since he started doing this, his game had improved 100%. The next week the same guys were on the course, and each of them had the best game of their lives. The first guy asked his friend if he had taken his advice. His friend replied, "You bet! By the way, you sure have a nice house!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean as the pilot is finishing an announcement on the intercom. Putting the mike down, he hits the Off switch. Unbeknownst to him, the switch is malfunctioning and his conversation is broadcast into the passenger area. "Take over for awhile, Dave," the pilot says to his co-pilot. "I think I'll go take a shit and then bang that new stewardess." At this statement the passengers fly into a frenzy of conversation and gossip. The stewardess is greatly embarassed and can no longer stay at her post, so she hurries toward the cockpit. But in her haste she trips and falls to her knees in the aisle. She happens to land next to a sweet little old lady, who turns to help her up. As she does, the lady says sweetly, "Don't rush, dearie; he said he had to take a shit first." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- About a day after God made Eve He asked Adam how he liked her. "I like her fine, Lord." "Have you hugged her yet?" "What's hugging, Lord?" So God explained it to him and he went off in search of Eve. The next day: "Adam. Did you like hugging?" "Yes, Lord. It was wonderful." "Have you tried kissing yet?" "What's kissing, Lord?" So God explained it to him and he went off in search of Eve. The next day: "Adam. Did you like kissing?" "Yes, Lord. It was even better than hugging." "Have you tried sex yet?" "No, Lord. What's sex?" So God explained it to him and he went off in search of Eve. The next day: "Adam. What did you think of sex?" "I'm not sure, Lord. I had more fun hugging and kissing. Lord: What's a headache?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A flight of bees were heading south for the winter and one wanted to make a pit stop at an ESSO station. The flight refused to rest and the lone bee zoomed off. The moral of this story is that there is an ESSO bee in every crowd. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "Have you ever thought of getting married?" Harry asked his friend Tom. "Yeah. A couple of times," Tom replied. "Well, what happened?" "The rabbits got better!" A lady had a parrot with a very dirty vocabulary, she had scolded him and tried every way she knew to make him stop. One day he called out to her, "Hey babe, show me your tits." She ran to his perch, grabbed him by the neck and thrust him into the freezer compartment. "That'll cool you off! Stay in there awhile until you can keep a civil tongue in your head!" Then she proceeded to take her long-delayed bath, but unfortunately fell asleep in the tub. When she awoke, she ealized with a start that the parrot had been in the freezer for over an hour! She jumped out and ran to the freezer. When she opened the door, she saw the parrot frozen stiff, with icicles dangling from his beak and wings, but his eyes were very much alive. Rolling his eyes toward a nearby frozen chicken, the parrot said, "AAWWKKK! What'd he do to wind up in here, ask you for a blow job?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A big-time golfer had just won first prize in a tournament - a new Rolls Royce convertible. He decides that he should drive his new prize to the next tournament, which is in Alabama. Just as he enters the state, he needs to get gas and so he stops in a small hick-town gas station in Alabama. As the country boy fills the car he is looking all around it because you just don't see many Rolls Royces in east Alabama. The golfer reaches in his pocket to pay for the gas, and as is common with golfers, he has some golf tees in his pocket with his money. The country boy looks at the golf tees in the golfer's hand and says, "What are those things for mister?" The golfer replies, "They are to hold my balls when I am driving." The country boy shakes his head and says, "Those English cars come with just about everything y'all could think of don't they?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. "Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin "The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. "Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Six-year-old Jeremy woke up in the night and had to answer nature's call. On his way to the bathroom, he passed his mother's door and saw her standing in front of her full-length mirror. She was rubbing her hands over her body, up and down the sides and front, softly moaning, "I've GOT to have a man! I NEED a man!" The same thing happened the next night, and the next, all through the week. On Saturday night, however, Jeremy repeated his midnight stroll to find his mother in bed -- with a man! On Sunday night, the mother woke to see Jeremy standing in front of her full-length mirror, rubbing his hands all over his body, softly murmuring, "I've GOT to have a bicycle! I NEED a bicycle!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Aunt Em: Hate Kansas. Hate you. Took dog. Dorothy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Microsoft Bob is a software package which features the first user interface for people who can't figure out Macintosh. Our sources indicate that Microsoft is so pleased with the Bob product line that they plan to port it to other platforms. Upcoming announcements include a Macintosh version known as "Bob for Apples." The network port will be called "Bob-O-Link." Of course, they will have a Windows 95 port. It will be named "Bob Hope." Finally, we have learned of a secret project with the code name "Lorena Bobett." That is the Unix version. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Question: Who killed more indians than General Custer? Answer: Union Carbide. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A Bulgarian tourist visiting America was interested in all types of American games. When he returned home, his friends asked him to describe the things he saw. "One interesting game I witnessed", he said, " was one called 'Oh shit', where one fellow calls out things like G4, I9, etc. After a while someone in the audience calls out 'Bingo!' and the croud yells 'Oh shit!!'." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "Mount your horses, men!" "We're not that lonely, sir!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Fool me once i'm the fool, fool me twice, i'm a f___ing idiot ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike a truck.. VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM... SCREEEECH..... "What are you doing?" inquires the doctor. "I'm taking this road down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a drug store and asks the girl behind the register, "Do you keep stationery?" She answers, "Right up until the last minute, and then my toes curl up, and I turn into an animal." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into a bar, sat down and pulled a little man out of his pocket. He then said to the bartender, "I'd like a martini for myself and one for my friend. I'll have mine in a regular glass and you can mix and serve his in a shot glass or a thimble if you have one." The bartender was astonished to see the little man but he mixed and served the drinks as requested. They both drank their drinks and it was obvious the little fellow thoroughly enjoyed his martini because it relaxed him and put him in a jovial mood. In fact, after a few minutes he began tap dancing on the bar and danced in a manner that would have done credit to Fred Astaire. The bartender was amazed by this performance and said, "That's the most incredible thing I've ever seen in my thirty years as a bartender. Does he talk?" "He sure does. Joe, tell the bartender about the time we took a trip to an African village where you called the local witch-doctor a nigger." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a big city lawyer was driving through the country when his car broke down. Nearby was a farmhouse in which the family had just finished dinner. It was their tradition that the first person to speak after the meal washed the dishes. The doorbell rang and the father answered. The lawyer explained his situation and asked to come in, use the phone, and rest for a moment. The father nodded. The lawyer called AAA, then sat down on the couch next between the farmer's wife and daughter. He looked at the wife and winked. She said nothing. He put his hand on her knee, just under her skirt - she said nothing. Thinking this was his lucky day, the laywer proceeded to lay her on the couch and make love to her. No one said anything. When he was finished, he did the same with the daughter. No one said anything. Realizing that he hadn't washed his hands from working with his car, he went into the kitchen. He turned on the faucet, but the water was so hot he burned his hands. He looked everywhere for something to soothe the pain and could find nothing - he then walked back into the living room and asked, "Where do you folks keep the vaseline?" The father immediately jumped up and said, "That's it! I'll do the dishes!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy is in the army and is stationed in a barren desert town. He has been there for several months without female companionship and is quite horny. One day, as he is wandering through town, he asks a local merchant "Where can I go to get laid?" The merchant responds "The nearest town where you can find a woman to sleep with is 15 miles away, so most of the other men end up using my camel." Now, the guy is definately not interested in that sort of thing, so he politely declined. As time went on, he got horneyer and horneyer. One day he went to town and found the camel and was about to pull down his pants when he thought to himself, "This is disgusting, I don't need to do this" and he walked away. This repeated for several weeks, with him stopping himself at the last minute, until three months ater, when he was so horny that he could not stop himself and had his way with the camel. Afterwords, he went to the camel owner and thanked him. To this the owner responded "I meant they use the camel to ride to the town!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There are three ducks who all have too appear in court on the same day. The first duck goes up to the judge,the judge says what your name? He says Duck. The judge says why are you here? Duck says cause I was blowing bubbles in the pond. Judge says case dismiss,next. The second Duck comes to the bench, The judge says what is your name? He says Duck Duck. Judge says why are you here? I was blowing bubbles in the pond. Judge says case dismissed. The third Duck comes to the bench. Whats your name Duck Duck Duck??? No I'm BUBBLES . ---------------------------------------------------------------------- This nigger walks into a drug store, goes over to the counter and says to the clerk, "I wanna buy me somma that there deodorant!" The clerk says "Would you like the "ball" kind?" The nigger says, "Hell no, lady, I want some for under my arms!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this kid, it was his first day of school. This kid unfortunatly had a speech problem. So when the bus pulled up to his drive way he asked "Ith thith the buth I'm spose to geth on?" And all of a sudden the bus driver got off his seat and just pounded the kid into the ground. The kid got on the bus balling his head off. Then the next day the kid askes the same thing and again the bus driver pounds him into the ground. So this time he tells the principal and his parents. So the next day he askes the same question and once again the bus driver pounds him one so the principal askes the bus driver why he was doing that and the bus driver said "heth making thun ofth me." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Irishmen came to America and no sooner had they gotten off the boat when they spotted a hot-dog stand. Overcome by curiosity, they each ordered one. Looking at his sandwich with a puzzled look on his face, one asked the other, "What part of the dog did you get?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the Faggot Patch Dolls? They come with A.I.D.s and a death certificate. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- She was wearing a very tight skirt that day, and when she tried to board the Fifth Ave. bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back and unzipped it some more. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put her on the top step. "How dare you?" she demanded. "Well, lady," he replied, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the second time, I thought we were good friends...." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The way I heard it, an [ethnic] walks in with a frog on his head. A friend asks "what's that supposed to be?" To which the frog replies: "I don't know. I woke up this morning and found it stuck to my *ss!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar and orders a scotch with a twist of lime, lemon, orange, and a half of a banana. He then instructs the bartender to give the bar a drink. After downing his drink, he calls the bartender and orders the same. After repeating this several times more he says to the bartender,"Let's have the same but, skip the fruit this time." A little voice from the end of the bar replies, "I didn't ask for the first ones." . ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his seeing eye dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light. First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them. After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the seeing eye dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck. The blind man responded "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Three youths were seated in a restaurant near an elderly lady, whom they conspired to shock. Said the first in a load voice, "I was born three months before my parents were married." "My father was always too drunk to get married at all," said the second. "I never knew who my father was," said the third. The old dear, upon hearing this conversation, turned and said, "Would one of you three bastards mind passing me the salt?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Irish men are working in a ditch across the street from a brothel. A protestant minister comes walking along and quickly sneaks behind the door. The two men shake their heads and one says to the other: "What kind o' time do we live in when men of the cloth 'be visiting such places?" They muse over this for a while and are getting back to work when a rabbi makes a dash for the brothel. The two look at each other and the other says: "It's no wonder that the children of today are so confused, what with the example that the clergy are setting." They're mulling over this when a catholic priest sneaks up to the house-of-ill-repute, glances to make sure that no one is looking, and ducks inside. The two men lean on their shovels, look at each other, and the one says, sympathetically: "Ah, what a shame... one of the poor lasses must be dying." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The grade school principal dropped into the third grade teacher's room on the fist day of school and asked how things were going. "One problem, sir," the teacher said. "That little boy in the front row should be in the second grade, but he insists on staying here. He's so smart I hate to send him back." "He can't be that smart," the principal said. "Ask him some questions." The teacher called the boy forward and asked, "What does a dog do on three legs that a man does on two legs and I do sitting down?" "Shakes hands," the boy said. "What does a cow have four of that I have two of?" she continued. "Legs," the boy replied. "What is a four letter word meaning intercourse?" she continued. "Talk," the boy replied. The teacher turned to the principal. "Well, what should I do?" He drew her aside and whispered, "You better promote him to the fourth grade. I missed all three questions." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is walking by a church one Sunday, and happens by a cute 6 year old girl sitting on the sidewalk, dressed up very nicely, playing with her dog. The man asks, "what is your name little girl?" "Candy," says the little girl. "They call me that because I like candy so much. And this is my dog Porky." "They call him that because he likes pork so much?" the man wonders. "No," she says. "They call him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Why was there lipstick on the Blonds Steering wheel? She was trying to blow the horn. -----------------------------------------------------------------------


ALPHA v0.3